LAUNDRY 101: A MALES PERSPECTIVE – Living Retired #117

Here’s a question you can ask an intelligent middle age man. Okay, so that’s an oxymoron.

Ask him to name two wishes on his wife’s bucket list.

Right away he will give you that ‘deer in the headlight look.’ Then he’ll quickly state the obvious.

“She wants me to wear my nasal strips when I come to bed.”

“I think she’d also like a main floor laundry room just like on Home & Garden television.”

Men wish they could avoid doing laundry all together– next to to hoping the Toronto Maple Leafs win back-to-back hockey games.

In fact guys would be comfortable wearing their bluejeans until the denim dissolves.

Here’s how I see it happening…

We would be watching football on television; eating beef jerky and drinking beer in widemouth cans. With no notice whatsoever, POOF! The relax fit jeans– that haven’t been changed since the Republicans and Democrats stopped cooperating– vaporize into thin air!

When the smoke clears men would get up from the LazyBoy chair– and like every other day– wander through the house in their underwear. In the bedroom closet– right there laying on the floor– is another pair of pants. How convenient is that!

Back to reality, here is my laundry day routine at the Chalk household.

I sort the clothes into three piles: darks; lights… and something I call ‘Special Stuff’– these are my wife’s clothes.

Sorting laundry is a cinch compared to reading the ‘Caring For Your Clothes’ labels.

First you have to find the damn label!

The good news is the labels are found inside the garment. The bad news is they’re never in the same place!

To locate the label begin at the collar. Of course it won’t be there. Next check near the armpit; then down at the hem.

The rule of thumb is the label will be located where you look last.

Once you locate the care instructions, you have to decode the diagrams.

Clothing manufacturers use symbols to help consumers select the correct water temperature, detergent, bleach, softener, and dryer instructions.

Beware: the diagram of a man with a large black X through it means the item should only be laundered by women.

Sorting done. It’s time to load our Dependable Care, Quiet Plus, Heavy Duty, 2-Speed, Super Capacity 10-cycle washing machine.

I select the ‘Man Cycle’– it’s called ‘Extra Heavy Duty.’

Two other cycles: ‘Hand Washables’ and ‘Fluff’ are for your wife.

The amount of time for a load in the washing machine is equal to: one quarter of a football game, one period of hockey game, or 3 Kardashian divorces.

Next I toss everything into the 6-cycle, IntelliDry, Easy Care, Permanent Press with Press Care, Wrinkle Release machine. That’s a dryer in case you’re wondering!

The last step. After removing the clothes from the dryer, it’s time to fold the clothes.

Not to brag but my wife says I’m a ‘good folder.’ That’s not something I tend to talk about when guys get together to play cards.

Oh, I almost forgot.

All that is left is to pop on some noise-eliminating ear protectors, the type loggers wear. Then, start the LawnBoy and wait for your wife’s blood curdling scream: “What did you do to my clothes? They’re wrecked!”