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Posted by on Feb 8, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

HOME PLUMBING FOR DUMMIES. – Living Retired #137

HOME PLUMBING FOR DUMMIES. – Living Retired #137

This is a Living Retired ‘Teachable Moment.’

Fact: Everything men know about home plumbing repair was learned while standing at a public urinal. Right there in front of our eyes it says, ‘American Standard 0.5- 3.8 Lpf/ 0.125- 1.0 gpf.’

So Jan surprised me the other day when she said, “Gary can you fix the trap in the bathroom sink. It really smells.”

Ahhh! This explained why she was wearing a white surgical cotton mask over her face like she lived in Bejjing.

A bathroom sink trap serves two purposes.

First, it prevents nauseous gases from coming back into the bathroom… and competing with the other nauseous gases in the bathroom. This saves on having to purchase ‘Natural Lotus, Ginger & Water Lilly’ scent room deoderizor.

Second, the trap catches all the appropriate items that are disposed down the sink: Dove handsoap suds, blobs of Colgate clean mint toothpaste– complete with screw cap, enough dental floss to supply a Caribbean island, and tiny 2-seater SMART cars!

I considered fixing the bathroom sink trap myself. This would be accomplished by pouring buckets of caustic chemicals down the sink, creating poisonous fumes resembling a major tire fire.

Of course Jan knows me well. She pleaded, “Please call Rick to help!”

Rick is my friend who has more tools than a chop shop– and all his fingers. Go figure.

Then it happened…

A repairman is coming to our house? OMG! This calls for one thing: we have to clean up!

Heaven forbid that a repairman should see we live in third world living conditions: watching our big screen television without a programmable remote!

Before Rick can come I have to set aside some time– February– to clean out everything that people hoard under the sink in their bathroom vanity…

This includes, but is not limited to…
1.      A lifetime supply of toilet tissue from Costco;
2.      A professional model hair dryer with 3 heat settings, 2 speeds, a powerful ‘cool shot button’ and 2-miles of tangled cord;
3.      A lightweight ceramic electric hair straitening device with 3-miles of tangled cord; and,
4.      Enough small makeup remover cotton balls to soften the landing of a manned Russian space craft in our backyard!

When Rick arrives we will spend the morning lugging his tools into the house. He’s even got a pair of those dorky knee pads that repairmen wear over top their pants to cushion their knees when they fall onto the floor to retrieve a beer cap.

Every plumber worth his weight in plumbers grease knows the first rule before beginning: go to the basement and turn the water off.

But who follow rules?

Before you know it Rick will start screaming from underneath the sink. His legs will flail violently; then he’ll smack his head as he scrambles out from under the vanity.

“Gary. Go down to the basement and turn the water off fast! HOLY CRAP!!”

Next Rick will do what everyone does these days during a crisis. He will grab his iPhone and text, ‘OMG!!’

Now do you understand why men insist their wife goes out shopping before plumbing repairs can take place?

What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.