Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Oct 19, 2015 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

HEADACHE CURES. – Living Retired #121

HEADACHE CURES. – Living Retired #121

DISCLAIMER: The following has NOT been approved by medical professionals. Readers are advised to consider the suggestions as they usually do with their doctors orders: disregard. Instead complain about old magazines in the doctors waiting room.

Headaches can be a real pain.

I’m not talking about the headache middle age men suddenly develop when their wife says, “Honey lets go to Crate & Barrel. We need some Pumpkin & Pecan Pie liquid hand soap.”

I’m talking about a headache as bad as Republicans have with Donald Trump campaigning for next years presidential election.

There are lots of potential ways to treat a headache, but what works?

My suggestion: do not take an over the counter headache remedy.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive. But there’s a good chance going to a pharmacy for headache pills will only worsen the situation.

Today’s modern pharmacies are huge. So big that they provide shopping carts.

Some pharmacies even have a ‘drive-though window.’ This means shoppers don’t have to cancel their tennis lesson to go to the doctor for a windshield sticker so they can park in the handicap section at the entrance.

Inside the pharmacy you have to trek through the women’s makeup section. This is easier said than done. I suggest you pack some energy bars and wear sturdy  footwear: flip flops.

Make your way through the shampoo section.

Then perfumes; followed by the vitamins section.

There’s the postal outlet over in the corner.. the stacks of bottled water… the lottery centre… the photo processing centre… greeting cards with mismatched envelopes… organic milk.. non-genetically modified butter… and the human genome testing centre.

You will know you’ve reached ‘Headache Relief.’ Everyone looks the same: bewildered!

This is because the headache relief section– in sheer size– rivals the yogurt cooler at a grocery store! Greek Gel Caps with Stevia anyone?

Today’s headache sufferers can select their pills in many forms: pills, capsules, and caplets. They are available in liquid, fast-acting, coated, uncoated, easy to swallow. You can choose regular strength or extra strength.

Think picking your pills is difficult? Good luck opening the packaging.

For our personal security pill containers are provided in sealed ‘Impossible To Open’ packaging. They call it childproof. It’s also adult proof.

Community colleges offer evening diploma courses on how to open pill containers. To ensure there are plenty of seats for everybody middle age men must have an IQ higher than a tsetse fly to attend.

First consumers have to get into the ‘Impossible To Open’ box that contains the pill bottle. A machete or one of O.J. Simpsons knives works. Next you have to somehow remove the sturdy ‘Impossible To Open’ clear plastic collar over the top of the bottle.

Then, pressing down on the top while simultaneously pushing the bottle towards the cap, consumers make feeble attempts to remove the screw cap.

Inside under the lid you’ll discover the ‘Impossible To Open’ silver seal. This calls for the knife again.

The pills are almost in sight.

One last job for the knife: stab at the small piece of fluffy cotton.

Ahhh. Mission accomplished– almost.

Before you take a pill recycle the cotton as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding from opening the pill container.

I am sure this packaging is provided for our own good. But damn it: if you didn’t have a headache before you began– you do now!

Healthcare experts talk about preventative medicine– an oxymoron when it comes to taking headache medication.