‘HAPPY…YOU SPENT HOW MUCH? ON WHAT!’ – Living Retired #133
It’s January.
Married couples suddenly suffer from a condition sociologists call ‘coming to their senses.’ It happens when the December credit card statement arrives!
Men explode with an artery-busting, bloodcurdling scream: “YOU SPENT HOW MUCH? ON WHAT!!”
From the next room women react quietly: a rolling of their eyes. In rare cases some mutter under their breath, “For heavens sake. Now what!”
Therapists suggest that couples ‘coming to their senses’ should organize a family meeting. It’s recommended the meeting take place after women return the Christmas present their husband bought at Victoria Secret.
The purpose of the family meeting is to have the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year.’
Similar to workplace meetings Human Resources organize, couples can decide if they want to kick off the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ with a silly icebreaker game– after which everyone mentally checks out and plays Scribblenauts on their iPhone.
The ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ has one topic: to discuss family finances.
A point of clarification….
There really isn’t a ‘discussion’ per se. Yes the meeting may start out with a civil, pleasant exchange of ideas on how to turn around the family finances that resemble the economic outlook of Brazil.
But soon the ‘discussion’ will, well let’s just say ‘evolve’ …
Before you can say ‘Monthly Credit Card Interest Rates Apply’— without going into full cardiac arrest– your ‘discussion’ may suddenly turn ugly!
Quicker than Donald Trump can insult the Mexicans… the Muslims… the Chinese… the Clintons… the media… women… Snoop Dog… and even Captain Kangaroo– all in his opening comments at a debate– your family meeting resembles full contact mixed martial arts!
The objective of the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ is to develop a family budget to balance the household books.
Another point of clarification…
The term ‘balancing the books’ is an oxymoron. It is like expecting the person at the grocery store express checkout lane has fewer than eight items.
To balance the family books draw a line down a piece of paper, creating two columns. Label the column on the left ‘Fixed Expenses’ and the other column ‘Discretionary Expenses.’
Start in the ‘Fixed Expenses’ column. Jot down the mandatory household expenses you and your wife have each month: weekly lottery tickets, alcohol and Netflix.
In the ‘Discretionary Expenses’ enter all the things you’d like but aren’t necessary– you know stuff like contributions to the kids college fund and setting aside money for retirement.
You’ve officially ‘come to your senses’ when you realize it’s impossible to balance the family books!
Don’t worry. Just do what politicians do when they have a financial predicament: spend your way out of the mess!
Yep. Nothing makes more sense than spending money you don’t have to turn your fortunes around!
Couples can spend their way out of their financial mess in one fell swoop: buy a house! It doesn’t have be a new home. A fixer upper can also accomplish the same thing.
Before you know it you will be spending like drunken sailors– granite countertops, oak hardwood flooring, zero gravity weather-resistant sling lounger with heavy duty steel frame, memory foam pillows…
