FOOTBALL IS IN MENS DNA. – Living Retired #119
We now know why middle age men are addicted to professional football.
It’s in their jeans; err make that their genes.
Scientists conducted extensive laboratory tests on rats. Rats were selected because they are the closest living organism to middle aged men.
What the scientists discovered are two never before known genes that exist in middle age men: 1) the Football Gene, and 2) the Duck Dynasty Gene.
The scientists are puzzled because for some unknown reason a third gene– this one called the Sensitivity Gene– is still missing in married men.
The study known as OLDETSMM– One Last Ditch Effort To Save My Marriage– is sponsored by a grassroots organization called the ‘Football Widows of America.’ This group of tofu-eating women who routinely cleanse their bodies of foreign chemicals that are known to cause body parts to sag, want their Sundays back!
Ned Nerd, Lead Scientist- who holds the record for stuffing the most ballpoint pens in the plastic pocket protector of a white lab coat- said, “Explaining the existence of the Football Gene in middle age men is as simple as ABC: Alcohol, Betting. Cheerleaders.”
He also said that ABC can stand for Alcohol. Beer, Concussions. Take your pick.
The study confirmed that professional football has taken over middle age men’s lives– although they won’t admit it. Of course middle age men also won’t admit to needing nasal strips to prevent snoring at a noise level equal to a Justin Bieber concert.
Part of the Sunday routine for football fanatics is the food they eat. Their diet consists of chicken wings and beef jerky; basically anything that is deep fried or genetically modified. A side of hot sauce completes the menu.
Each Sunday you’ll find middle age men wearing the sweater of their favourite team. They purchase the official sweater with money from their retirement savings. They sit in large comfortable recliners in front of television screens that are almost the size of the actual football field the game is being played on. One advantage of not going to a stadium means football fans can drink an entire case of beer for the price of one beer from the stadium concession.
Another advantage to watching the game at home is that football fans miss out on the parking lot tailgate party- where drunken idiots play toss football on the hoods of cars- before kickoff. The real fun begins after the game- when these same football revellers jump in their cars and drive home!
Football fans cheer for teams with names like Packers, Patriots and Dolphins. Me? I’m a Buffalo Bills fan. These players don’t have a Super Bowl ring. If they do, they stole it.
Speaking of stealing and other crimes, football teams face two significant challenges that cause them to lose their players: 1) injuries; 2) jail time.
However, just because players are sent off to jail doesn’t mean they are bad people.
After they serve their time in maximum security– perhaps a weekend for something really bad like mass murder– the players are considered to be rehabilitated. They are ready to return to the gridiron.
Football players like other criminals are always allowed a second chance.
One day a convicted player can be playing for a team in Pittsburgh, appropriately named the Steelers. Then after serving his jail sentence he may be traded and play for another team located in New Orleans, appropriately called the Saints.