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Posted by on Aug 24, 2015 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

DOWN WITH DROUGHT – Living Retired #115

DOWN WITH DROUGHT – Living Retired #115

California farmers need rain.

How much? Well let’s just say California needs more rain than Donald Trump needs hairspray. And that’s a lot!

I follow the west coast drought on nightly television newscasts. It goes like this…

A news anchor with perfect teeth smiles at the camera and says: “We begin with BREAKING news about the California drought that you must know! This is very, very important! We will be back after this commercial.”

Commercial begins with an actor portraying a physician. He accomplishes this by showing a medical office filled with patients who have grown Jose Bautista beards while waiting to see the doctor

The physician wannabe looks into the camera and says, “Do you suffer from excess gas, diarrhea, and bloating?”

The background of the commercial changes to happy middle-age couples holding hands while hiking among giant California redwoods. They have been cured! Flatulent-free; they no longer fart in the forest.

The commercial concludes with the physician-actor listing 327 potential side effects.

The news anchor returns: “Before we tell you the BREAKING news about California’s worst-ever drought that may lead to a nationwide food crisis, we have the latest developments on the Kardashian wedding.”

After the Kardashian story the newscaster says, “Wow. This BREAKING news is really something. I’ll give you the exclusive details on the California drought. But first a commercial message.”

This commercial is also set in a doctors office. The patients have fallen asleep waiting to see the doctor; infants have become teenagers.

The physician-actor looks to the camera and says, “Do you suffer from irritable bowel syndrome?” As he promotes a new prescription pill, in the background happily married couples, now cured, are prancing through their ballroom dance class. At this point male television viewers puke.

Back at the anchor desk, the newscaster says, “Let’s bring in our drought disaster correspondent with the dusty drought details.”

The camera focuses on the news correspondent. He wears a khaki shirt- with mandatory news correspondent shoulder epaulets. Kneeling on the parched earth he warns, “If California doesn’t get rain the illegal farm workers will jump in their Cadillacs and leave the country!”

Seriously. We must do something soon. The entire bottled salad dressing industry is threatened.

Without fresh lettuce, peppers, and tomatoes there will be no need for cholesterol-free, low in saturated fat, Italian salad dressing- with added nutrients, dehydrated onion bits and modified xanthan gum thickener.

Imagine. You open the fridge door that reveals a shelf with 17 half-empty bottles of salad dressing with Best Before Dates of April 2006.

It may even get worse.

No California vegetables would lead to the downfall of vegetable peeler manufacturers. The salad spinner industry could spin out of control. Heck, if we don’t have any celery sticks why would we eat chicken wings?

Here’s my suggestion to end the drought.

Let’s all fly to California… and go camping!

Campers know as soon as you pitch your tent– even before you trip over a tent peg and plant yourself face first into the campfire– that it pours rain! You spend the next three days sitting in the car listening to the radio.

With all the rain before you can say ‘California kale’ we will have more crops of chemically coated vegetables than the jolly green giant has niblets of corn.

California here we come!