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Posted by on Feb 15, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |




Do you want another expression for ‘to hell and back?’

How about ‘kitchen renovation.’

A kitchen renovation happens when couples discover they’ve got some some extra cash kicking around– after they have spent their hard-earned paycheck on lottery tickets and Netflix.

They consider putting the newfound money towards their children’s college fund. Or perhaps top up their grandchildren’s education account.

However, they come to their senses: granite countertops and subzero built-in appliances win out.

WHOA! Hold on ‘Mr. & Mrs. Do You Know What You’re Getting Into!’

A kitchen renovation adds beauty, warmth and style to your home. But it comes with what’s called in the industry, ‘unforeseen expenses’– which is another way of saying, ‘asbestos removal.’

Guys when your wife says, “Honey, let’s redo the kitchen” investigate her recent television viewing habits. I’ll bet she’s been watching home renovation programs on cable television where the builders have terrific tools and television teeth.

After you’ve tried to convince your wife that a kitchen renovation is pushing the ’till death do us part’ vow, it is time to select a kitchen renovation builder.

To gather a list of kitchen renovation builders Google: ‘men with tools who eventually show up.’

Here is a partial list of the ‘men with tools who eventually show up’ that you will need to complete your kitchen renovation and destroy your marriage: electrician, plumber, flooring installer, cabinet installer, backsplash installer, general carpenter who doesn’t install anything, painter… and the guy who comes in at the end to fix everything that been installed wrong!

Oops I almost forgot…

There are two more professionals you will need to ensure a successful kitchen renovation…

First, you must have someone assist with what is called, ‘picking your colours.’ This is an individual who has a terrific sense of colour that she has parlayed into a successful hourly-fee job!

The ‘picking your colours’ expert and your wife will tape small colour chips on the wall.

Let’s say you are considering painting the cabinets beige. The ‘picking your colours’ person will stick samples of ‘Camel Hair’, ‘Gobi Dunes’ and ‘Medieval Manuscript’ on the wall. Then, she stands back, crosses her arms, cocks her head to one side… and waits… until one of the little colour chips ‘speaks to her.’

The other important professional you will need: an arbiter.

An arbiter is an expert at settling disputes which will happen whenever you hire ‘men with tools who eventually show up.’

Next, on your telephone speed dial feature you need to add a few numbers. Begin with your builders phone number, then your lawyer. While you are at it you may as well add the number of a marriage counsellor.

The first words out of your lawyers mouth will be his hourly fee- no just kidding. He’ll scream, “Why did you sign the contract without texting me at my Mediterranean villa?”

Three months later— while living in a kitchen that resembles your kids college dorm room– you and your wife will come to the grim reality of kitchen renovations and the trades. In legalese its known as, “Plead Guilty and Get The Court Case Over!’

And here’s the irony of it…

Those ‘Men with tools who eventually show up’– the first time you will see them in person is at court… when they DO arrive. Go figure!