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Posted by on Feb 22, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

DEEP CAW CAW. – Living Retired #139

DEEP CAW CAW. – Living Retired #139


I can feel the love.

It happens every night watching television…

Glitzy commercials sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry speak to millions of middle age men: guys who always hoped for a BMW, but these days hope for a BM!

Announcer: “Do you suffer from elevated blood pressure? High cholesterol? Post nasal drip? Occasional constipation? Irritable bowel syndrome? Bloating? Excessive annoying gas? Diarrhea? Hemeroids?”

In the background of the commercial there are real live men and women– supposedly happily married couples– hiking through the woods, swinging side-by-side in a hammock, or even taking ballroom dancing lessons! They are actually holding hands, and get this, smiling.

If you weren’t sick before the commercial, you puke as soon as you see it!

The pharmaceutical companies do a wonderful job discovering new drugs to treat diseases… and satisfy shareholders.

First, they spend years in a laboratory spending gazillions of dollars finding a disease to treat— preferably one that can be covered by a drug plan.

Then working on rats– the closest species to middle age men– they develop an expensive pill. It will be years until the pill begins to save lives because that’s how long it takes to obtain a Patent.

According to the Canadian Report on Addictive Prescriptions– CRAP– there is now a cure for a disease that affects middle age men.

The disease is called ‘Caw Caw.’ If left untreated it can advance to ‘Deep Caw Caw.’

Here is how I was diagnosed with Deep Caw Caw…

One night I was looking everywhere for the television remote. In my search I had the audacity to move the doodads my wife had arranged on top of the fireplace mantle!

My wife snapped, “You’re in Deep Caw now!”

I know about now women are screaming, “Gary, you did what? What on earth were you thinking?”

I confess: I wasn’t thinking. Maybe I’ve watched too many Republican debates on television and my brain turned to mush. Just like the candidates I stopped thinking.

I’m not in this alone though. I received a frantic call from a friend of mine…

“Gary I don’t know what to do. Last night my wife yelled at me for leaving the toilet seat up. We’ve been married thirty-five years and she just snapped. I’m in Deep Caw Caw.”

Being a man– who cannot express any feelings unless it has something to do with football– I did what I could when approached by a close friend with a problem: I said, “Lets go for a beer.”

Before you knew it there was a group of us– all in Deep Caw Caw— commiserating over beer.

One guy broke down. He was sobbing, “The power went off so I lit one of those scented candles. It was a South Seas Moonlight Breeze scent. My wife screamed, “What did you do that for? That candle isn’t supposed to be lit. Never!”

“I’m in Deep Caw Caw!”

But this one took the cake…

One fella said he was doing the laundry. He forgot to toss an Apple Mango scented dryer sheet in with a load. His wife rolled her eyes, muttered something about not knowing why she puts up with him. He’s in Deep Caw Caw. They haven’t talked since!

The lawmakers in Washington have ordered the leaders of the pharmaceutical industry to appear at a congressional hearing to discuss reports of price fixing of their Deep Caw Caw pill.

The executives aren’t planning to attend– for fear they will be in Deep Caw Caw!