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Posted by on Oct 25, 2015 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

COFFEE CONUNDRUM. – Living Retired #122

COFFEE CONUNDRUM. – Living Retired #122

Ordering a cup of coffee is a grind.

If you don’t know the lingo you are out of luck.

“Good morning. What can I get you today?”

“I think I’ll just have a small coffee this morning– so that means I’ll order a Tall please!”

I know it doesn’t make sense– a Small is a Tall?

The waiter pours me a Bold roast because it has less caffeine than Medium roast. HUH?

Then the waiter says to me, “Leave room for dairy?”

This is her way of checking if I’m having cream in my coffee.

I know. Go figure.

Before the waiter pours my coffee, the cup needs to be assembled. Yep, in today’s world of efficiency experts, the common coffee cup– that has been around even before the Chicago Cubs last won the World Series in 1908– comes in pieces!

The cup is assembled by placing the cardboard cup into a cardboard sleeve. This explains why there aren’t IKEA coffee shops. They’d have to add another step: fasten the two pieces together with an Allen wrench.

Coffee shops promote sustainable coffee and fair trade. It seems adding cardboard onto more cardboard doesn’t matter.

Today’s coffee shops have baristas.

A barista is a person with muscular arms– I’m talking Popeye- like arms!

Baristas develop these muscles each time they pour a coffee. Err… make that each time they pump a coffee.

With the cup assembled the barista turns towards a huge black thermos. Feverishly, the barista begins their daily cardio workout regime: pumping up and down like a madman on the thermos dispenser.

The barista always places my coffee on the counter– right beside the mandatory barista tip jar scribbled with ‘College Fund.’ If she’s heading off to college she must be going back as a mature student.

Before I know it, the barista is on to the next coffee customer. Me? I’m left to ‘add my dairy.’

‘Adding dairy’ means choosing between18% cream, 10% cream, half & half, 2% milk, skim milk, soy milk, or almond milk.

Anyone for something they call ‘non-dairy whitener.’ Non-dairy whitener is reminiscent of the ‘mystery meat’ students were served as part of their meal plan at university cafeterias.

For sweetener there is white sugar, brown sugar, even organic honey. Often theses sweeteners are contained in sealed tubes– more packaging. Stir everything in with thin wooden sticks– that are probably as long as Donald Trumps combs!

Shake some cinnamon on top. Or nutmeg. Or cocoa….

Almost done. Cover with a plastic cap– that adds another couple inches to the height of the cup– and you’re set to go.

Baristas also have nice penmanship.

You can see their creative writing skills on the black board behind the counter. Just don’t try to make sense out of it! It’s a mishmash of freeform hand calligraphy in different colours of chalk! Bottom line: it’s their lunch menu. It’s like reading the opticians eye chart– but without the drops in your eyes that increase the size of your pupils so you have that guilty look for the rest of the day.

Working stiffs have to jockey with morning commuters at the drive thru window each day. For retirees it’s different. They can leisurely stop in mid-morning– and fight their way through retirees camped at the tables.

People don’t sit in the coffee shop and chat. No silly me. Instead they read their iPhone. Yep! You thought a phone was for talking to someone? Nope. These days you use your phone to read!

Coffee consumption is increasing. At the expense of common sense.