CLOCK- A GEDDON. – Living Retired #123
WARNING TO WOMEN: The following information may lead to falls which can cause injury. Please stand back from hard surfaces such as granite kitchen countertops and other inanimate objects: middle age men.
FACT: Most North American men– I know this sounds preposterous– did as they were told this past Saturday night. They reset all the clocks back one hour before going to bed.
The last known time masses of men did as they were told was in the early 1970’s. A nationwide shortage of empty beer bottles threatened the entire beer industry.
Mass hysteria was avoided, when dutifully, men rented U-haul trailers and clogged roads as they returned their empties.
Leading up to this past weekend all I heard from the Clock Police was the same phrase: ‘Set your clocks back one hour before you ‘retire‘ to bed on Saturday night.’
But here’s the thing. I can fully understand when a beer loving, football crazy man ‘retires’ to the LazyBoy chair.
But have you ever heard a man say he ‘retires’ to bed?
“Goodnight Dear I’m going to retire to bed now?”
“Honey I don’t know what you’re talking about ‘retiring‘ to bed. Just make sure you put your nasal strip on.”
If people ‘retired‘ to bed they’d expect another government pension plan payment each month.
A telephone survey asked people what they would do with the extra hour they gained turning their clocks back one hour. The results were quite revealing…
65% of middle age men claimed they would use the extra hour to get a head start removing the decorator pillows from the bed so they could find their pyjamas.
The remaining 35% of middle age men were incapable of responding to the question: they were retrieving their nasal strip that fell behind the Lotus, Ginger & Water Lily scented decorator candle in the master bath.
The pollsters are still attempting to gather responses from women. It appears many refused to answer the telephone call: choosing instead to watch ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ on cable television.
Trust me. I’m here to tell you: synchronizing all the clocks in your home is not possible. It’s sort of like Donald Trump wooing immigrant voters at Taco Bell… it’s not going to happen.
Here’s the problem…
These days we have so many clocks that by the time you manage to reset the first three clocks to Standard Time, it’s almost Spring– and time to re-reset the clocks ahead to Daylight Savings Time!
This year I conducted a ‘Chalk Correct Clock Count’: CCCC. I went from room to room counting all our clocks.
I know I’m no mathematician–if I was I would have represented the Ontario government and sold the highway 407 Tollroad instead of giving it away. But the results of my CCCC indicate that when it comes to clocks we are coocoo. We have a whopping 22 clocks in our house!
Times have changed.
It used to be that you bought a clock so you would know the time. These days common sense prevails: if you want a clock you buy a kitchen gadget!
For example: a 6- slice toaster comes complete with a built-in programmable bagel slicer, battery operated removable crumb tray, three defrost settings, an ultra quiet humidifier, a monitored home burglar system– AND a digital clock! Huh?
Don’t need another toaster that sets off your smoke detector every time you toast an English muffin?
How about a countertop solar powered apple peeler with vacuum base and ergonomic handle– with a built-in digital clock featuring worldwide time zone differentiation! For an extra fee it will also include a CBC announcer saying: ‘Half hour earlier in Newfoundland.’