Living Retired #219- December 4, 2017

HUSBANDS & WIVES SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

It’s December.

Around the world people are preparing to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas–by personalizing the family greeting card with a picture of their dog wearing a pink tutu and feather boa.

Much of December is wasted driving in circles around the shopping mall parking lot with one hand on the steering wheel and the other out the window frantically waving a finger at the idiot who stole your spot. In the backseat the Michelin Man–oh that’s your kid in his snowsuit!–screams, “Mom I’m peeing my pants!”

Amongst all this merriment everyone wishes each other the best of the season. The Spanish say Feliz Navidad. The Italians say Buon Natale. The French say Joyeau Noel. In Farsi it is Christmas MobArah.

But not so fast Mr. Elf on the Shelf! After 25 years of marriage, couples don’t say Merry Christmas…

Wives say “What the hell were you thinking?”

Husbands say “Look! Do you want me to help or not!”

Here’s what I mean…

When a guy drags the scrawny 27′ tall Christmas tree he chopped down into the living room–scraping the paint and scarring the wallpaper–you can count on his … Read the rest here

Living Retired #218- November 27, 2017

A RETIREMENT ROAD MAP

Everyone says the same thing: “You’ll know when it’s time to retire.”

For instance, when your boss walks into your office and you don’t even bother trying to  quickly get the solitaire game you’re playing off your computer screen–you know it’s time to retire.

One word of warning: if your husband is already retired and the house looks like your kids college dorm room, be sure to tell him before you tell your boss. With a little luck he may decide to clean up the place; or, get a job!

Telling your boss you are retiring requires tack and sincerity. Just be sure when you’re leaving their office, don’t be jumping and running like do when your in-laws are pulling out of the driveway after visiting.

Next, return to your office and change the voicemail message on your phone…

“Hi. Please leave me a message. But don’t expect to hear back because I’m retiring next month AND I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ANYMORE! DID YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE!”

The next step–and this is covered in the Employee Hand Book right after the section for Vice Presidents: ‘How To Oversee The Office Football Picks’–is to … Read the rest here

Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017

SFOLLY FHRAPT!

Living Retired is going to a place it has never ventured before.

No, I’m not going to appear on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss why men are happier–because unlike women we don’t drive to the next gas station washroom because the one we’re at is too icky!

What I am going to get into today is the bedroom of a typical North American middle-aged couple…

It’s 3 o’clock in the night. Suddenly! Your husband bolts upright in the bed.

He is sweating profusely! It’s like he’s a professional football player being interviewed at halftime, “How many community service hours remain from your conviction for armed robbery, taking illegal steroids, and removing the ‘New Material Only, Do Not Remove’ tag from your pillow?”

Sitting in the darkness of the bedroom your husband clutches the bed sheets. He rubs his eyes. Was it a nightmare?

Then, he screams:  “SFOLLY FHRAPF!!”

Suddenly! His wife is awakened from her sleep. She jolts upright! “Dear if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times: if you want me to understand what you’re saying when you when you wake up in the middle of the night, please make sure your nasal … Read the rest here

Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

ALARMING REASON COUPLES SHOULDN’T TRAVEL.

The members of the Association of Airport Baggage Handlers–whose motto is ‘Hey Fred have we dropkicked this suitcase yet?’–are attempting to redirect the focus on the pitfalls of travel.

At a recent training session, baggage handler Sam Sonite (HA! HA!) who holds the record for damaging the most pieces of luggage in an eight-hour shift, provided hands-on practical tips on how to delay passengers luggage from reaching the airport carousel in a timely manner.

At the same meeting, the Associations safety committee took the opportunity to emphasize the importance of wearing steel-toed safety boots to reduce an increase in workplace injuries. Apparently, many baggage handlers routinely dropkick passengers hard-side luggage while wearing their flip-flops! Did I say these workers are male? Enough said.

The sessions concluded with the release of a study entitled ‘Travelling With Middle Age Men Who Always Forget To Pack Extra Underwear.’ The report identifies the major impediments married couples face when they go on vacation–and spend money they don’t have.

The study found that the biggest problems facing travellers isn’t finding a kennel to drop off the dog, providing fake phone numbers to the kids so … Read the rest here

Living Retired #215- October 30, 2017

REPLACING HOUSE WINDOWS IS A PANE!

We are in the process of upgrading the windows in our home.

Well, Jan is.

I’m trying to understand the friggin’ quote! Grrrr!

Here’s the problem…

The window installer insists on referring to our ‘family room’ as our ‘television room.’ Plus, he keeps calling the ‘eat-in kitchen’ the ‘dining room.’ And if that’s not enough, he always describes replacing the windows in Jan’s ‘office’, but he calls that room the ‘den.’

It goes on and on…

So what homeowners like myself need–besides a shampoo that automatically disintegrates hair balls in shower stall drains–is a universal system that correctly names the various rooms in the house.

Let’s begin with the living room. Now there’s a misnomer. These days there’s about as much ‘living’ going on in a living room as there is new hair growth on a middle age mans head.

“Jan the quote says he’s replacing the windows in our living room. Which room is our living room: is it the room with the matching leather sofas? I’m confused!”

Jan shrugs. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: the living … Read the rest here

Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

PUMPKIN PALOOZA!

The ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ has released a report that gives us something to chew on.

Pushing their chairs back after scarfing down a Denny’s ‘Grand Slam Breakfast’–and collectively belching like the kids drinking soda pop at your sons birthday party–the dolts with the ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ concluded: kale and pomegranate are passé. Its time to make way for pumpkins!

In their report, entitled: ‘Pumpkin Palooza: Proliferation of Pumpkins’, the Association points to the present pumpkin phenomena.

They indicated that the trend to ‘everything pumpkin’ coincided about the time teachers returned from their 10-week summer vacation–so the kids could go back to school. Since then, everything known to mankind has been put through a highly mechanized process, which in technical terms, is called ‘pumpkinized.’

There’s no escaping it. Every one of us–even the Kardashians!–have been pumpkinized!

Take this morning…

I awoke early to take the garbage out to the curb–making sure I tightened the twist ties on our orange coloured, pumpkin-scented plastic garbage bags.

Back inside, I shaved with pumpkin enriched … Read the rest here