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Posted by on Apr 11, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired – ‘The Urge To Purge’

By Gary Chalk

Last week Jan said, “Gary, lets finally purge the back room in the basement.”

I said, “Jan, when you say we are going to purge a room all I can think of is that you will force me to get rid of our VCR and all our movies on Beta and the several trips I will take hauling everything away. Purging makes me want to puke.”

“I wish you wouldn’t say puke Gary. You know I don’t like that word.”

“Jan, I looked it up in the dictionary and puke comes 188 words before purge. Do the math. It is better.”

“Gary, you wasted time counting the number of words in the dictionary that come between puke and purge? Words can’t describe you!”

I knew better than tell Jan to mind her P’s and Q’s, so I let it go.

Our system of purging involves purchasing large plastic bags and moving boxes to stuff things in and investing in Post-It Notes. We stick various coloured Post-It Notes on everything so that I know where things get taken to. Clothing gets a yellow sticky note which means I deliver it to … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Apr 4, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired — ‘Don’t Look Up’

Living Retired – ‘Don’t Look Up’

By Gary Chalk

Part of my exercise routine involves carrying the groceries from my Jeep into the house. First, I grab the handles of all the grocery bags at once. Then, I struggle coming in from the garage through the laundry room. All this extra weight brings pain to my baby boomer knees, so by the time I reach the kitchen I body slam the bags on top of the island like Haystack Calhoun used to drop Sweet Daddy Siki to the wrestling mat. I know there is no use crying over spilled milk, but every time I do this I think it is time to call the orthopaedic surgeon – right after I clean up the broken eggs.

Last week as I grappled with the groceries, Jan was nearby in the family room, so I said, “Hi Dear, I am home.”

Her response was well, unusual, “Don’t Look Up.”

“Well Jan if I don’t look up I may bump into the island and spill the beans.”

Jan reiterated, “Don’t look up.”

I did what I was told. Staring down at the hole in my sock the suspense was getting to me. Was she … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Mar 28, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired — ‘Okay, So I Am Not A Rocket Scientist’

Living Retired – ‘Okay. So, I Am No Rocket Scientist’

By Gary Chalk

I learned something about myself last week. And it all began helping Jan spread the huge duvet overtop our bed.

“My gosh Gary, is that the best you can do? It looks like we slept in it.”

“Jan, I’m not trying to be picky but your choice of words ‘it looks like we slept in it’ isn’t what I think you meant to say.”

“Gary, what I am saying is it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the bed!”

“Jan, what it does take is a guy with six-foot long arms to stretch out across all these decorator pillows scattered on the floor to reach the bed!”

I know I am no rocket scientist. My frustrated grade 9 science teacher described me as ‘my beaker was only half-full,’ so I am not a candidate for membership in the Mensa Society, but that’s not so bad. Just look at some of their members. Leonardo da Vinci was brilliant. He invented everything from flying machines to parachutes – but if he is so smart and came up with the flying machine why did he have to invent a … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Mar 21, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired — ‘What’s For Dinner?’

Living Retired — “What’s For Dinner?”

By Gary Chalk

Jan and I have reached the end of our basting brush!

Two long years of Covid Couple Confinement trying to dream up interesting meals to make for dinner every night has, well, taken a bite out of our relationship.

We have pigged out on pulled pork prepared in the instant pot, wolfed-down ribeye steaks sous vide, chowed on crockpot chicken cacciatore, and binged on sheet pan Szechuan chicken with glazed Brussels sprouts.

“Jan, I have searched through the entire internet looking for recipes. The only recipes left include tofu! I’d rather have nofu than eat tofu!”

“Gary, lets make a reservation to go to a nice restaurant where waiters with menus will treat us royally?”

“Well okay, just as long as the waiter does not stand on top of a chair waving a white table linen at the smoke alarm. I’m not going to tip someone to do what we do at home every night.”

The next night we arrived at the restaurant. “Welcome. We need to see your proof of vaccination and photo ID.”

My proof of vaccination is on my iPhone filed in ‘Photos.’

“Jan, my glasses are all … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Mar 14, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired — ‘Person Who Smells Like Pledge’

Living Retired — ‘Person Who Smells Like Pledge’

By Gary Chalk

The Chalk household is in line for a makeover. Jan and I have decided to hang up our brooms, mops, and dust cloths. Our plan is to trick someone to come in each week and transform our place into what you see on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens.

We know what needs to be done: the dusting, mop the floors, vacuum the carpets, make the windows shine, make the mirrors sparkle, wipe down the California shutters, clean the kitchen and bathroom countertops, scrub the gas cooktop, and wipe the ceiling fans. What we don’t know is what to call this miracle worker.

“Jan, it seems to me we are looking for a cleaning lady.”

“Gary, you are sooo out of touch. The person is called a housekeeper.”

“But Jan, a housekeeper is the same as a maid, a cleaning person.”

Jan wouldn’t let it go so I explained, “Jan whoever we hire will come with spray containers of lemon-scented cleaners, so let’s agree who we are looking for is a ‘Person Who Smells Like Pledge.’”

Jan shrugged, rolled her eyes, and wiped a layer of dust off … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Mar 7, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Urge To Purge’

Living Retired — ‘Reserved Parking For Shoppers With Halitosis’

Living Retired – ‘Reserved Parking For Shoppers With Halitosis’     

By Gary Chalk

Have you noticed who gets preferred parking these days at stores? Everyone but you!

If you are pregnant you can park near the entrance. Same thing if you have young children. If you are the ‘Employee of the Month’ you can edge out the customers you serve and park at the door. Your birthday? Park right here.

Retailers need to understand today’s shifting demographics. Here are some designated parking spaces they should consider, the sooner the better…

‘Reserved Parking for Retired Men Picking Up Beano’

I mean think about it. How would you like to be the guy who has to run into the pharmacy every week to stock up on more Beano? Better yet, imagine you are parked next to this guys car – you thought the air from the steel plants in Gary Indiana smelled! Instead of driving their car around the parking lot – with the windows wide open – guys could park right near the entrance. This would be a real benefit for these men who go through Beano as much as they drink beer and eat pickled eggs – come to think about … Read the rest here

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