WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN.
Hello? Can anyone please tell me why I am doing this?
It is freezing cold outside. The wind is howling. The snow is up to my wazoo–which is another way of saying, “Dear can we just move to a place that is warm, has no state tax, and has strip plazas with liposuction clinics on every corner: Florida?”
But noooo. I am a middle age man, which means my DNA makes me do stupid things. Right now I am bundled in a heavy parka with a balaclava covering my head that makes me look like a protestor throwing rocks at a G7 summit. But instead, I am standing on a 30′ extension ladder reaching up to the eavestrough to take down the Christmas decorations in the middle of snowmageddon!
Of course the ladder doesn’t reach all the way up to the eavestrough–I do! This is accomplished by standing on the very top rung and then verrryy carefully leaning–make that teetering!–towards the string of Christmas lights. These are the lights that don’t blink. They haven’t since the first year I bought them. But each year I hang them in December, then take them down in … Read the rest here Read More
THE TWELVE WORDS of CHRISTMAS.
BREAKING NEWS: The ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ is old news.
It’s time to put the six geese a laying out to pasture. The eight maids a milking deserve time off. And the ten lords a leaping are all leaped out.
Instead, not back by popular demand, it’s my annual Living Retired ‘Twelve Words of Christmas’–twelve holiday greetings, each saying Merry Christmas in twelve words.
#1. Merry Christmas. Halv I addud enuf alkerhaul two tiss yeers ferrute kayke?
#2. Merry Christmas. Marijuana becomes legal in Canada in 2018. Oh My God!
#3. Merry Christmas. Trumps thumbs admitted to hospital intensive care unit. Prognosis: dire.
#4. Merry Christmas. If you’re coming over we need more batteries and booze.
#5. Merry Christmas. Come over if you can hook up an entertainment system.
#6. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the holidays–the 2020 U. S. Presidential election begins Tuesday!
#7. Merry Christmas. The tradition continues: outdoor lights don’t blink. I don’t care!
#8. Merry Christmas. “Dear, what on earth made you think I could fit into this?”
#9. Merry Christmas. Husband about to carve turkey. Cover kids ears. Call ambulance.
#10. Merry Christmas. 15 strings Christmas lights plugged into 1 outlet. Tradition … Read the rest here Read More
14 SLEEPS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
Some things happen in the blink of an eyelash–like when you are prepping the night before your colonoscopy and you drink that cocktail from the pharmacist. “OMG! LOOK OUT DEAR I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM… NOW!!!”
Christmas is much the same. There is so much shopping to do, baking to be done, and more running around than your dog going in circles trying to get that damn Christmas bow off its tail.
So, with only 14 sleeps until Christmas here is the 2017 Living Retired Christmas Checklist…
#1. FIND A PARKING SPOT AT THE MALL.
Forget it. Christmas shoppers swooped in and grabbed all the parking spots at mall parking lots after the Halloween sales were over in April! But there is some good news. Malls recognize their customers needs are changing so they are assigning convenient parking spaces; look for the signs: “Baby Boomers With Onset Toe Fungus’, ‘Grandfathers Kicked In The Groin Lifting The Grandkids Into Their Car Seat’ and ‘Foul-Mouthed Soccer Moms.’ Nothing yet for ‘Middle Age Men With Gas.’
#2. HOST A CHRISTMAS OPEN HOUSE.
Sorry you’re out of luck. If you haven’t installed a new kitchen granite countertop–and … Read the rest here Read More
HUSBANDS & WIVES SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
Around the world people are preparing to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas–by personalizing the family greeting card with a picture of their dog wearing a pink tutu and feather boa.
Much of December is wasted driving in circles around the shopping mall parking lot with one hand on the steering wheel and the other out the window frantically waving a finger at the idiot who stole your spot. In the backseat the Michelin Man–oh that’s your kid in his snowsuit!–screams, “Mom I’m peeing my pants!”
Amongst all this merriment everyone wishes each other the best of the season. The Spanish say Feliz Navidad. The Italians say Buon Natale. The French say Joyeau Noel. In Farsi it is Christmas MobArah.
But not so fast Mr. Elf on the Shelf! After 25 years of marriage, couples don’t say Merry Christmas…
Wives say “What the hell were you thinking?”
Husbands say “Look! Do you want me to help or not!”
Here’s what I mean…
When a guy drags the scrawny 27′ tall Christmas tree he chopped down into the living room–scraping the paint and scarring the wallpaper–you can count on his … Read the rest here Read More
A RETIREMENT ROAD MAP
Everyone says the same thing: “You’ll know when it’s time to retire.”
For instance, when your boss walks into your office and you don’t even bother trying to quickly get the solitaire game you’re playing off your computer screen–you know it’s time to retire.
One word of warning: if your husband is already retired and the house looks like your kids college dorm room, be sure to tell him before you tell your boss. With a little luck he may decide to clean up the place; or, get a job!
Telling your boss you are retiring requires tack and sincerity. Just be sure when you’re leaving their office, don’t be jumping and running like do when your in-laws are pulling out of the driveway after visiting.
Next, return to your office and change the voicemail message on your phone…
“Hi. Please leave me a message. But don’t expect to hear back because I’m retiring next month AND I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ANYMORE! DID YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE!”
The next step–and this is covered in the Employee Hand Book right after the section for Vice Presidents: ‘How To Oversee The Office Football Picks’–is to … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired is going to a place it has never ventured before.
No, I’m not going to appear on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss why men are happier–because unlike women we don’t drive to the next gas station washroom because the one we’re at is too icky!
What I am going to get into today is the bedroom of a typical North American middle-aged couple…
It’s 3 o’clock in the night. Suddenly! Your husband bolts upright in the bed.
He is sweating profusely! It’s like he’s a professional football player being interviewed at halftime, “How many community service hours remain from your conviction for armed robbery, taking illegal steroids, and removing the ‘New Material Only, Do Not Remove’ tag from your pillow?”
Sitting in the darkness of the bedroom your husband clutches the bed sheets. He rubs his eyes. Was it a nightmare?
Then, he screams: “SFOLLY FHRAPF!!”
Suddenly! His wife is awakened from her sleep. She jolts upright! “Dear if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times: if you want me to understand what you’re saying when you when you wake up in the middle of the night, please make sure your nasal … Read the rest here Read More