Living Retired — ‘Feeling Sort of ___.’
By Gary Chalk
Last Wednesday heading into the Thanksgiving weekend was a beautiful autumn afternoon. After lunch I parked in front of the Post Office and ran inside to pick up a parcel. When I returned to my Jeep, before I got inside, I decided to slip my sweater off. That is when it happened…
As I wiggled my hips trying to yank the sweater up and overtop my head the person in the car parked behind mine took notice. HONK! HONK! I looked up and saw a woman inside. She stuck her head out her window and said, “That is quite a show!” She laughed. I laughed.
Hmm, I thought to myself if she wants a show, I’ll give her a show! Cognizant of my sore shoulder I proceeded to sort of sway my arms back and forth up over my head. At the same time, I sort of swiveled my hips pretending to strip my sweater off. It was difficult because I had to be sure I didn’t throw my back out!
With my sweater off I sort of strutted on my gimpy knee to the trunk where I sort of … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Have Your Cake & Eat It Too’
By Gary Chalk.
For many years Jan and I have not celebrated our birthdays. We made a pact that our birthdays are not anything special. At least that is what I thought, until Jan’s birthday last Wednesday.
At breakfast she said, “So Gary do you know what day today is?”
Knowing Jan did not want to be reminded of her birthday I said, “Yes Dear today is 5 days until our next garbage day.”
WELL! You’d think I had committed a major crime!
“Gary, I’ll pretend I did not hear what you just said. Try again.”
“Hmm Dear, I’m going say today is 2 days from our last garbage day. How’s that?”
“Gary, you know I don’t like it when you trash talk.”
When Jan and I met up at lunch she picked up where we left off. “So, Gary you still have not told me what day today is.”
Knowing it wasn’t 5 days until garbage day and it wasn’t 2 days from our last garbage pickup — even though it was! — I was stumped. “No Jan I don’t know what day today is.”
“Gary. It’s my birthday! … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Comparing Cable & Colonoscopy Calls’
By Gary Chalk
If you had a choice, who would you rather call: the cable company because your cable television, internet, and phones aren’t working, again? Or call your doctor to arrange to have a colonoscopy? Me? I’d call for a colonoscopy — no ifs, ands, or butts.
“Hi, it is Gary Chalk calling. I would like to book a colonoscopy please.”
“Mr. Chalk our records indicate you had one last week. So unfortunately, you aren’t due for another colonoscopy for a few years.”
“I understand but does the doctor have any free time to upgrade his skill stuffing seven miles of tube from here up to there? I am prepared to drink that stuff the night before that makes you spend all night on the toilet. This time I will be sure to tell my wife not to stand at the bathroom door asking, “Gary, what is going on in there? Are you sure you are all right?”
“Mr. Chalk we appreciate your interest in your personal health, but the doctor cannot perform another colonoscopy unless symptoms appear and it’s an emergency.”
“Is having to call the cable company considered an … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Staging Lady’
By Gary Chalk
My wife is a forward-thinking person. She looks ahead planning for what could happen. For instance, if the dry cleaner ever lost one of Jan’s blouses, slacks, or expensive sweaters — which they never have — she has multiple blouses, pairs of slacks, and expensive sweaters already hanging in her closet. Me? I also look forward. These days I am looking forward to the World Series.
A while ago Jan posed this forward thinking thought to me: “Gary, the very first thing we would have to do if we put our house up for sale is have a professional home stager come through to tell us how to get it ready for showing.”
“Jan, the very first thing we would have to do if we put our house up for sale after the dramatic drop in home values and increase in borrowing money is give our heads a shake!”
Before you could say, ‘Open House’ Jan prepared a spread sheet and laid it out on the dining room table. “Gary, these are the detailed steps we need to undertake to clean up our place to get it in order before we even … Read the rest here Read More