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Posted by on Jan 16, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Scams, Scams |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

By Gary Chalk

The text message on my iPhone read, ‘Canada Post: We were unable to deliver your parcel due to no answer at the door and no safe drop-off location. Text ‘Y’ to reschedule your delivery.’

Right away I thought someone was phishing for information because Jan would not include my text number for an item she ordered online.

“Jan, are we expecting a parcel from Canada Post? I think someone is phishing.”

“Sorry Gary I am in my office and I can’t hear you very well. All I heard was something about you going fishing with Canada Post?”

“Jan, what are you talking about me going fishing with Canada Post? What would be the lure of me fishing with the feds?”

Jan stomped from her office down to mine. “Gary, if we need to talk, we need to be in person, face to face. I am very busy working and don’t want to be interrupted, but everyone knows I always respond right away on Facebook, FaceTime, WhatsApp, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter. Alternatively, you can send me an email or a text message.”

“Dear, this conversation began with a text … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Jan 9, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Reading, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘Reading Room’

Living Retired — ‘Reading Room’

By Gary Chalk.

It has to be at least a week ago. Jan and I were reading in bed one evening when she closed her book and said, “Gary, do you want to invite some friends over and entertain in the downstairs family room? I have changed the furniture around and it is now a reading room.”

“Jan, just so I have this right. You are telling me we would invite friends to come for an evening and sit around reading? That hardly sounds like an invitation list people would give their eye teeth to be on — maybe their library card.”

Jan laughed, saying, “Everybody could do a book report when they left.”

“Jan, I will leave it to you to invite Susan and Lewis, but instead of bringing a bottle of Robert Mondavi wine, they should come with David Baldacci’s latest novel.”

Perhaps I am reading between the lines, but I imagined the telephone call in my mind…

“Hi Susan. It’s Jan. Gary and I thought it would be fun to have you and Lewis come over on Saturday evening to read a book. What do you think?”

“Gee Jan, Lewis and I … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Jan 2, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘One Step Forward, One Step Back’

Living Retired – ‘One Step Forward, One Step Back’

By Gary Chalk

Frequently Jan uses the word ‘step.’ If we are going shopping and she is waiting in the car for me, she is likely to say, “Gary, step on it!”

When I pull our car into the parking lot of one of those mammoth shopping outlet centres when Jan gets out of the car she will say, “Gary, I have some serious shopping to do. Step out of my way!”

When we dance it is, “Gary you’re stepping on my toes again.”

So yesterday when I mentioned that I was going to begin to use the step counter app on my iPhone I expected Jan to say something like “That will be a step in the right direction, Gary.” Or, “Begin with baby steps.” Instead, she said, “Gary, step aside. Can’t you see I am busy doing Wordle.”

“Jan, I thought you’d be interested in my fitness?”

“Gary, I need a five-letter word that ends with ‘s.’”

The first word that came to my mind was ‘steps’ — but because Jan uses step so often, I assumed she had thought of it. I thought I would pull her leg, … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Dec 26, 2022 in Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

By Gary Chalk

‘Tis the morning after Christmas,

And all through our house,

Not a creature is stirring,

Not even my spouse.

 

Jan’s Christmas attire is heaped by our bed,

She’s dreaming the turkey gravy stains are only in her head.

 

It’s 11 in the morning and we’re still flat on our back,

Christmas rum and eggnog has us feeling out of whack!

 

Jan has a heating pad wrapped ‘round her head,

While I awake clinging to my side of the bed;

My nasal strip has slipped down onto my chin,

Jan will complain about my snoring — I cannot win!

 

I have visions of our post-Christmas Day mess dancing in my head,

While Jan is dreaming of Pottery Barn candles in cherry blossom red.

 

When from the front lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!

WHACK! I tripped on the dozen decorator pillows scattered on the floor.

And Jan still wants to buy more!

 

Away to our front door I flew in a flash!

Dashing through the foyer I slipped on Christmas wrap,

And when … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Dec 19, 2022 in Breaking glasses, Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘SMASH!’

Living Retired — ‘SMASH!’

By Gary Chalk

SMASH! There goes another one of our wine glasses.

These days Jan has become a one-woman wrecking machine. It seems whenever she washes our drinking glasses, or removes them from the dishwasher, she manages to break one. It is now to the point that it is our cupboards — not the glasses — that are half full.

SMASH!

Is Jan trying to break our glasses thinking I will excuse her from cleaning up after we eat? Is she hoping to go on a shopping trip to purchase new glassware? Maybe she thinks I will buy some for Christmas.

“Jan, you’re not trying to break our drinking glasses on purpose are you?”

She laughed. “I don’t know what is happening Gary. I seem to be breaking glasses every day.”

In the past few weeks wine glasses, martini glasses, and champagne flutes have all met their demise. A few of our juice and milk tumblers have ended up wrapped in newspaper and placed in the garbage pail. Drinking glasses have become so rare in our house that I gulp milk right out of the carton. Oh, I have always done that!

SMASH! This time a … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Dec 12, 2022 in Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Living Retired — ‘Dear Deer’

Living Retired — ‘Dear Deer’

By Gary Chalk

Jan and I went online and ordered an outdoor Christmas decoration: a 2-piece reindeer and sleigh set with 150 LED lights. I know, we should have known better.

The words on the box indicated the deer and sleigh measure almost 6’ long and over 4’ tall. What arrived on our porch was a 2’ square carton crammed with deer legs, the head and neck, a set of antlers, the body, sleigh runners and plenty of pieces for the sleigh. Counting spare bulbs, fuses, and ground stakes there were 24 individual parts and 42 pieces of hardware! What the Fa La La La La La La La La were we thinking!

I took the box to our basement and waited until Jan and I got our nerve up to assemble the deer and sleigh. That day was last Saturday, well, okay, Saturday and Sunday.

Jan said, “Gary, while you open the carton I will go upstairs and make some hot mulled wine, it’s called wassail. This is going to be so much fun!” I shook my head.

Suddenly, Clement Clarke Moore’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ came to life…

‘I sprang from Read the rest here

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