Living Retired — ‘Person Who Smells Like Pledge’

Living Retired — ‘Person Who Smells Like Pledge’

By Gary Chalk

The Chalk household is in line for a makeover. Jan and I have decided to hang up our brooms, mops, and dust cloths. Our plan is to trick someone to come in each week and transform our place into what you see on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens.

We know what needs to be done: the dusting, mop the floors, vacuum the carpets, make the windows shine, make the mirrors sparkle, wipe down the California shutters, clean the kitchen and bathroom countertops, scrub the gas cooktop, and wipe the ceiling fans. What we don’t know is what to call this miracle worker.

“Jan, it seems to me we are looking for a cleaning lady.”

“Gary, you are sooo out of touch. The person is called a housekeeper.”

“But Jan, a housekeeper is the same as a maid, a cleaning person.”

Jan wouldn’t let it go so I explained, “Jan whoever we hire will come with spray containers of lemon-scented cleaners, so let’s agree who we are looking for is a ‘Person Who Smells Like Pledge.’”

Jan shrugged, rolled her eyes, and wiped a layer of dust off … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Reserved Parking For Shoppers With Halitosis’

Living Retired – ‘Reserved Parking For Shoppers With Halitosis’     

By Gary Chalk

Have you noticed who gets preferred parking these days at stores? Everyone but you!

If you are pregnant you can park near the entrance. Same thing if you have young children. If you are the ‘Employee of the Month’ you can edge out the customers you serve and park at the door. Your birthday? Park right here.

Retailers need to understand today’s shifting demographics. Here are some designated parking spaces they should consider, the sooner the better…

‘Reserved Parking for Retired Men Picking Up Beano’

I mean think about it. How would you like to be the guy who has to run into the pharmacy every week to stock up on more Beano? Better yet, imagine you are parked next to this guys car – you thought the air from the steel plants in Gary Indiana smelled! Instead of driving their car around the parking lot – with the windows wide open – guys could park right near the entrance. This would be a real benefit for these men who go through Beano as much as they drink beer and eat pickled eggs – come to think about … Read the rest here

Living retired — ‘It’s Accrual World’

Living Retired – ‘It’s Accrual World’  

By Gary Chalk

There must be something in women’s DNA. How else can you explain their uncanny ability to capture a guys attention?

“Gary, we have a problem. I received an email that says Canada Revenue Agency examined our taxes. We are in arrears for a substantial amount of money.”

“Jan it is likely one of those scams. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Gary, you need to listen. By their calculation we owe about the same amount of money it would cost if we took an around the world cruise that included the all-you-can-drink package!”

“Jan if that’s the case why don’t you go on the cruise, and I will stay home. That way we reduce how much money we owe by 50%.”

“Gary, you are not listening to me. I would need to shop for a brand new wardrobe to take a world cruise. That is how much money the government says we owe.”

HOLY CRAP! Jan had my attention!

Jan spent much of the weekend going through our past income tax returns and suggested, “First thing tomorrow morning we both need to be on the phone calling the CRA.”

“WHOA! Jan when … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Strike While The Iron Is Hot’

Living Retired – ‘Strike While The Iron Is Hot’

By Gary Chalk.

We had a pressing issue at our house last week. The iron died.

Before Jan could say “Gary, you better slip into your no-iron, relax-fit, wrinkle-free blue jeans and go buy a new iron,” I was out the door.

Driving to the store Jan called. “Gary, I want to be sure you understood me. You’re going to a department store for a new iron for clothes, not to Golf Town for an iron for golfing, right?”

There are so many irons to choose between that I considered it may be easier to replace my entire wardrobe with ‘Hang To Dry’ clothing. I was confused because some irons promote ‘steam features,’ while others talk about ‘water features.’

Steam features include ‘Smart Steam Dial, ‘Even Steam Soleplate Design, ‘Advanced Steam’ – hey its boiled water! – and ‘Vertical Steaming’ which works well on drapes and curtains; not so much on men’s dress shirts. I tried ‘Vertical Steaming’ many years ago before it was a was a thing: I was in a hurry, so I ironed a dress shirt while wearing it! This was my introduction to multi-tasking – and an … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Make Believe Romantic Road Trip’

Living Retired – ‘Make Believe Romantic Road Trip’

By Gary Chalk

I received a promotional email earlier this month about valentines day. The subject line read, ‘Romantic Road Trip.’ I clicked the message open, and this is what it said…

‘You know what is pretty romantic… making a spur of the moment decision to hop in the car with someone special and taking a trip to explore something new together. The shared experience can easily create a new bond or strengthen an older one.’

AHA! This gave me the idea for a road tip with Jan. A few days to relax, recharge, and rekindle our relationship – with our 3-piece luggage set with the wheels that don’t wheel and telescoping handles that extend to the length of the Wall of China!

If we were to take a last minute trip, this is what ‘acting on a whim’ would look like…

Jan is sprinting back and forth between our walk-in closet and the guest room! She piles armfuls of clothing all over the bed. This is a woman on a mission: she has outfits to coordinate, jewelry to match, and purses to prepare.

“Jan, we are going on a quick road … Read the rest here