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Posted by on Dec 26, 2022 in Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

By Gary Chalk

‘Tis the morning after Christmas,

And all through our house,

Not a creature is stirring,

Not even my spouse.

 

Jan’s Christmas attire is heaped by our bed,

She’s dreaming the turkey gravy stains are only in her head.

 

It’s 11 in the morning and we’re still flat on our back,

Christmas rum and eggnog has us feeling out of whack!

 

Jan has a heating pad wrapped ‘round her head,

While I awake clinging to my side of the bed;

My nasal strip has slipped down onto my chin,

Jan will complain about my snoring — I cannot win!

 

I have visions of our post-Christmas Day mess dancing in my head,

While Jan is dreaming of Pottery Barn candles in cherry blossom red.

 

When from the front lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!

WHACK! I tripped on the dozen decorator pillows scattered on the floor.

And Jan still wants to buy more!

 

Away to our front door I flew in a flash!

Dashing through the foyer I slipped on Christmas wrap,

And when … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Dec 19, 2022 in Breaking glasses, Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘SMASH!’

Living Retired — ‘SMASH!’

By Gary Chalk

SMASH! There goes another one of our wine glasses.

These days Jan has become a one-woman wrecking machine. It seems whenever she washes our drinking glasses, or removes them from the dishwasher, she manages to break one. It is now to the point that it is our cupboards — not the glasses — that are half full.

SMASH!

Is Jan trying to break our glasses thinking I will excuse her from cleaning up after we eat? Is she hoping to go on a shopping trip to purchase new glassware? Maybe she thinks I will buy some for Christmas.

“Jan, you’re not trying to break our drinking glasses on purpose are you?”

She laughed. “I don’t know what is happening Gary. I seem to be breaking glasses every day.”

In the past few weeks wine glasses, martini glasses, and champagne flutes have all met their demise. A few of our juice and milk tumblers have ended up wrapped in newspaper and placed in the garbage pail. Drinking glasses have become so rare in our house that I gulp milk right out of the carton. Oh, I have always done that!

SMASH! This time a … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Dec 12, 2022 in Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘Dear Deer’

Living Retired — ‘Dear Deer’

By Gary Chalk

Jan and I went online and ordered an outdoor Christmas decoration: a 2-piece reindeer and sleigh set with 150 LED lights. I know, we should have known better.

The words on the box indicated the deer and sleigh measure almost 6’ long and over 4’ tall. What arrived on our porch was a 2’ square carton crammed with deer legs, the head and neck, a set of antlers, the body, sleigh runners and plenty of pieces for the sleigh. Counting spare bulbs, fuses, and ground stakes there were 24 individual parts and 42 pieces of hardware! What the Fa La La La La La La La La were we thinking!

I took the box to our basement and waited until Jan and I got our nerve up to assemble the deer and sleigh. That day was last Saturday, well, okay, Saturday and Sunday.

Jan said, “Gary, while you open the carton I will go upstairs and make some hot mulled wine, it’s called wassail. This is going to be so much fun!” I shook my head.

Suddenly, Clement Clarke Moore’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ came to life…

‘I sprang from Read the rest here

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Posted by on Dec 5, 2022 in House cleaning, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired –‘Broom Brouhaha’

Living Retired — ‘Broom Brouhaha’

By Gary Chalk

This past week was typical. I misplaced my iPhone, the key fob for my Jeep, my glasses, the television remote, my wallet, even the grocery list that I swear I had in my hand two minutes ago! What was different though is this all happened on Wednesday. Before lunch.

It gets worse, way worse. I couldn’t find the broom we use to sweep the kitchen floor.

I can hear you now, “Come on Gary, how on earth can you lose a friggin’ broom?”

That is a good question. The simple answer, okay the only answer is, I don’t know.

There is the idiom ‘the new broom sweeps clean, but the old broom cleans all the corners.’ Since we misplaced our broom — and because Jan says I cook wall to wall — walking on our kitchen floor was, well, not pretty.

To make matters even worse, Jan has been complaining that I have become forgetful the past few years, so I was apprehensive to tell her I couldn’t find our broom. It is one thing to say you can’t find your iPhone, but another to have to admit to losing the broom. … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Nov 28, 2022 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘In The Studio Audience’

Living Retired – ‘In The Studio Audience’

By Gary Chalk.

As a kid The Ed Sullivan Show was must-watch television. Every Sunday night at 8 o’clock my parents, my sister Dianne, and I were entertained by buxom Charo (the ‘Cuchi-cuchi’ lady), a stuffed mouse called Topo Gigio, and some guy in a tuxedo running like a madman across the stage spinning China plates on sticks. Now that was show business!

I enjoyed when Ed introduced people in the audience. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris, and Yogi Berra from the World Series Champion New York Yankees. Gentlemen, please stand and take a bow.”

That was the type of studio audience that impressed me; but it is different these days…

Ron Popeil the infomercial guru made a fortune with his rotisserie chicken invention. But I couldn’t get over the nitwits in the studio audience screaming “SET IT AND FORGET IT!” Every time the camera panned over to the bleachers these simpletons were rapidly clapping their hands together staring in awe at each other like the Toronto Maple Leafs had won the Stanley Cup! Instead of “GO LEAFS GO! “they chanted “SET IT AND FORGET IT! SET IT AND Read the rest here

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