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Posted by on Jan 18, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

AMAZING NEW DIET: ‘COD’ – Living Retired #134

AMAZING NEW DIET: ‘COD’ – Living Retired #134

Peoples eating habits change in January.

Men resort to folding slices of pizza in half– douse hot sauce overtop– and stuff them into their mouth while watching playoff football on television.

Women begin their annual– no news here– New Years diet!

It’s the New Years diet that didn’t work last New Years, or the previous New Years…

They crunch on tasteless food called melba toast. Evenings are spent recording their fibre intake.

Three weeks later men burp; step on the bathroom scales; and nonchalantly report they’ve lost eight pounds.

Then they burp again; flop back on the lazy-boy sofa and scream, “Kick a field goal!”

Women. Well they sneak into the bathroom, close the door… and sob. They scream, “It’s just not fair!”

I’m here to tell you that there’s a better diet these days. It’s a diet that’s worthy of Wolf Blitzer talking about nonstop until Jeb Bush’s poll numbers swell to the size of Donald Trumps ego.

With this diet there are no calories; no sugar; no fat; no sodium; no cholesterol; no proteins; no carbs… no nothing!

I’m sure by now you’re screaming, “Ah come on Gary. Please tell us about your sure fire way to lose weight! l want to look like I belong in those television commercials– featuring couples suffering from occasional constipation, gas, bloating and diarrhea– taking ballroom dancing lessons and talking with each other!”

So here it is. It’s called COD.

Now with a name like COD you’d think this diet was created in Newfoundland and dieters eat fish, while everyone across the country makes jokes about them. Ha! Ha!

But the joke would be on you.

You see COD stands for: Can Opener Diet.

Here’s how it works…

Everything you eat must come in cans. This means you’ll starve because each time you open a can the can opener does what it’s supposed to do: not work!

I’ve tried can openers that say ‘Made in China’– and they don’t work.

I’ve used can openers that don’t say where they were made–probably because the manufacturer didn’t want to embarrass the child labour they hire. Doesn’t matter: they don’t work.

COD has many delicious recipes…

Take the COD recipe for chile. Ingredients include canned green beans, canned Lima beans, cans of diced tomatoes along with a can of tomato paste.

You lose calories by not being able to open the cans with the can opener.

For lunch how about tomato soup and tuna on a bed of lettuce?

According to nutritionists– university educated professionals who take great delight in making you feel guilty whenever you eat– tuna on lettuce and a bowl of tomato soup contains 170 calories, less than 2 grams of fat, 960 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of fibre, 22 grams of carbohydrates and 16 grams of sugar.

You won’t get any of the above because the can opener doesn’t work! Perfect!

But there’s more…

The Can Opener Diet even has a built in exercise component.

No more playing videos on your television watching beautiful people with buff bodies working out without sweating. You won’t need to find somewhere else to hang the laundry so you can use your treadmill in the basement.

With COD you burn off calories each time you throw the ineffective can opener through the nearest window!

WARNING: repeated violent hurling of can openers may lead to high blood pressure and rotator cuff injuries. Hospital admission may be required where nutritionists will prescribe tasteless, puréed meals. If COD has not been successful beforehand, you’ll definitely lose weight now!