ALL-NEWS CABLE STATIONS PREPARE FOR 2016. – Living Retired #131

2016 figures to be a real barn burner for the 24-hour all-news cable channels.

The recent election of a new Prime Minister in Canada and the upcoming election of a new President in the United States means one thing for sure: the Kardashians will be the lead story on the all-news cable networks.

Television anchors with perfect teeth and hair are hard at work with their ‘reliable sources.’ These ‘reliable resources’ are so reliable… that they can’t tell us their names!

First things first. The graphics that glare at the bottom of the television screen need to be created. There are three different categories:

A) ‘BREAKING STORY.’ An example of a ‘BREAKING STORY’ would be when Donald Trump makes an outlandish claim. Something like, ‘Jeb Bush needs steroids.’

B) ‘DEVELOPING STORY.’ An example of a ‘DEVELOPING STORY’ would be when Jeb Bush responds saying, ‘There he goes again. But I’ll check with my advisors to see if I need steroids.”

C) ‘STORY YOU DON’T WANT TO TURN YOUR TELEVISION OFF BECAUSE IT MAY  BECOME A BREAKING STORY THAT BECOMES A DEVELOPING STORY! An example of this would be, ‘Bush campaign team calls a news conference to say Jeb Bush may need steroids– if this helps his poll numbers in New Hampshire.

Here are some of the headlines we may see in 2016…

1.      Trump finally answers critics with foreign policy statement: if elected first appointment will be Dennis Rodman to serve as United States Secretary of State.
2.      Trump extends olive branch to Democrats: will reassign John Kerry to Director of Federal Bureau of Frequent Flyer Points.
3.      Pressed, Trump reveals new plan to dissuade Mexicans from entering States: free Chipotle gift certificates.
4.      Pressed even further, Trump discloses plan designed to attract more women voters: proposes to build a wall around NFL stadiums while husbands attend games.
5.      Trump announces Congeniality Award for Primary candidates: himself!

Meanwhile, in Canada…

1.      Former Prime Minister Harper reported to be training for new job: “Would you like fries with your order?”
2.      At same time Harper rumoured to be considering career in manufacturing: applies for work permit in Mexico.
3.      Newly elected Prime Minister Trudeau prepares for first visit with President Obama: dyes hair grey.
4.      Canadian Snowbirds thrilled International House of Pancakes to accept Canadian Tire money at par for Grand Slam Breakfast.
5.      Canadian Navy politely requests Russia delay invading protected Arctic waters: rubber patch to repair dingy expected soon.

The international media will also get into the act…

1.      British Association of Hair Stylists release survey on North American politicians hair: Justin’s hair trumps Donald’s hair.