A PRIMER TO PAINTING CATHEDRAL CEILINGS – Living Retired #127

 

Want three reasons that cause married couples to quarrel?

How about home finances, disciplining the children… and painting the cathedral ceiling in the living room.

Cathedral ceilings are ‘make work’ projects for professional painters. They know any woman worth her weight in decorator paint chips won’t let her husband near a cathedral ceiling with a paint roller.

Television decorating shows convince viewers their cathedral ceiling has to be repainted in a shade from the soft-shell oyster palette– or risk being featured in Ugly House magazine.

Men eventually agree, but with one condition: to save money there won’t be a professional painter. After all how difficult can it be- all you need is a paint roller attached to a long pole and some scaffolding.

Women grudgingly agree–once they confirm their husbands life insurance policy is paid in full.

Why rent scaffolding when you can build your own using items easily found around the house? It is known as BYOS: Build Your Own Scaffolding. Although in Newfoundland BYOS means Bring Your Own Screech!

Men, chances are you will fall from the scaffolding– usually while taking a selfie!

To protect yourself bring decorator pillows from the bedroom and toss them on the floor beneath the scaffolding. Don’t worry! It’s only a couple hundred square feet so there will be more than enough decorator pillows!

The decorator pillows will soften your fall from the scaffolding… and provide your wife a reason to buy new ones when they become spotted with hardened paint drippings.

Erect scaffolding by placing an extension ladder and a step ladder opposite each other. Stretch leftover planks- from when you repaired the backyard deck- between the two ladders. Then set up a card table on top of the boards to stand on.

It’s time to climb the scaffolding…

Using the paint roller attached to the 12′ pole for balance, impersonate Nik Wallenda crossing Niagara Falls, as you slowing climb up the scaffolding. As soon as you reach the top grab your smart phone– okay that’s an oxymoron in this situation– and text: ‘OMG!’

If the scaffolding is too rickety and wobbles more than your wife can bare to watch, position a few cans of Heinz low sodium tomato soup- 14- oz. size- under the feet of the stepladder.

You can also wedge the television remote underneath the ladder; you won’t be able to watch television but for once you’ll know where the remote is!

Faster than you can say Pratt & Lambert, your wife will grab her smartphone and snap photos of the ramshackle scaffolding with you precariously perched on top, dangerously stretching the 12′ pole with paint roller into the corners of the cathedral ceiling.

You can be sure she won’t post the pictures on Facebook because they would serve as proof she married an idiot… when the insurance company refuses to settle the insurance claim.