A CASE FOR THE TOOTH FAIRY – Living Retired #111
My wife and I are stepping up in the world.
We have had ‘his and hers’ bathroom sinks for some time. There is also the ‘his and hers’ closet. Now we even have ‘his and hers’ electric toothbrushes. Oooh!
These aren’t like the manual toothbrushes you pick up at the store– the toothbrushes with the colourful handle wrapped in a plastic see-through tube hanging from a display. You know the ones I’m talking about: the package requires an industrial strength, 3,000 strokes per minute reciprocating saw to cut into! Toothbrush packaging isn’t childproof, it’s also adult proof!
The electric toothbrush set we purchased came in a sealed package that measures a whopping fifteen inches square and is four inches deep. Too heavy to hang, these babies are stacked on store shelves. The only resemblance to one of those manual toothbrushes is that the box is as difficult to get into.
You can’t just open these ‘his and hers’ toothbrushes and plug them in and clean your teeth– OH NO! Silly me.
First you have to read the directions; make that you have to complete the home study program before you are officially licensed to set the toothbrushes to your teeth.
The directions aren’t just a sheet. No they are a book. It’s printed in English, Spanish and French– 57 pages!
There is a 2-sided ‘Quick Start Instructions’ sheet but it’s really more like a reminder for when you forget how to use your electric toothbrush– which, based on the lengthy convoluted instructions, will likely be every time you brush your teeth!
The 20-page English instructions begin with Important Safeguards which outlines 3 Dangers, 17 Warnings, and 5 Medical Warnings! This takes you through to Page 7!!
I feel compelled to bring to your attention Warning #12: ‘this appliance is not intended for use by persons with reduced physical, sensory or mental capabilities, or lack of experience and knowledge, unless they have been given supervision or instruction concerning use of appliance by a person responsible for their safety.’ Translated, this means middle age men should not be allowed near this toothbrush!
I bet you didn’t know that with our new fancy-dansey sonic toothbrush that I can– and this is according to the official Directions For Use– ‘personalize my brushing experience.’ Yep! I’ll be able to select between Clean Mode, Sensitive Mode (although I don’t think males would be interested in anything described as being sensitive!) and Message Mode which provides ‘gentle gum stimulation.’
Plus I’ll be able to select the Go Care Routine, the Max Care Routine; or say on a day I’m feeling kinda lazy I can simply set it to Easy Start.
We even have Smartimer that makes an audible sound to let us know that the brushing cycle is complete and automatically turns off. Go figure!
This toothbrush also comes with ‘quadpacer.’ Now I’m sure you’re saying, “Hey Gary what’s quadpacer?” Sorry. I’m still back on Page 7: Attaching the Brush Head.
I can also tell you that there is a section titled, Cleaning. Yeah I thought it would be about cleaning your teeth, too. No. They mean cleaning the toothbrush handle. Cleaning the brush heads. Cleaning the charger. And cleaning the sanitizer.
The electric toothbrush set we purchased has a comprehensive Guarantee: it is warranted for 2 full years after the date of purchase. Now this is all well and good until I realized it’ll take me at least 3 years to pass the home study program before I can begin to use the toothbrush! By then A) my teeth may be full of cavities, and B) the warranty will be null and void!