Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on May 5, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘Facebook Photos’

Living Retired – ‘Facebook Photos’


Do you remember back in the days when you sat down for dinner and the first thing you did was say grace?

Things are different now.

These days before you put fork to food, someone will scare the bejeebers out of you when they suddenly leap from their chair screaming at the top of their lungs, “DON’T TOUCH YOUR PLATE! I need to get my iPhone to post a picture of our sizzling beef and broccoli stir fry.”

Instead of saying thanks for the meal we are about to eat, we pray for lots of ‘likes’ of our food photos on Twitter and Facebook.

“Jan don’t take the picture yet – I need to place chopsticks alongside the bowl. That makes it look like we are real foodies.”

“Gary, the last time you used chopsticks was at P.F. Chang’s – you created a scene when you dribbled dim sum dumplings down your shirt! Then, you kept announcing to the other diners as you were being escorted out that you don’t tolerate ‘wonton violence.’ It was so embarrassing.”

The focus on food photography for Facebook has gone to such extremes during Covid-19 that people are ‘chomping at the bit’ to show off their curried kumquat chutney. Aspiring Julia Child wannabees are buying the books ‘Food Photography for Dummies’, ‘Food Styling for Dummies’, and ‘Digital Dining for the Dumb and Dumber.’

I Googled ‘how to take better food photos on Instagram and up came 8 simple tips – the emphasis is on ‘simple.’

The first tip – and this is for real! – said to focus on the food. Hmmm, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you gotta’ think that anyone with the intelligence of a potato peeler would know to point their camera in the general direction of their plate of pepperoni pizza! DUH!

The other tip – and I’m passing this along because there’s apparently a whole lot of stupid out there – said to shoot with a camera!!!!!! HUH!

I don’t pretend to play dumb when it comes to the food photo fad – I AM DUMB! I have mastered the art of sprinkling grated Parmesan cheese overtop wiping the bowl brim with a white linen napkin just like a professional chef.

“Okay Jan this plate has been ‘Parmesan-ed’ and is ready for its Facebook photo.”

“Gary, I don’t mean to be negative about your food photos – but it is a piece of toast!”

You won’t receive a food photo from me. That’s because my iPhone has a crack that stretches overtop the camera lens. My mishap occurred at our friends cottage when Jan tossed my iPhone down to me from the second story balcony. The only thing I caught was hell for missing the catch!

Jan figures if I want to share a digital record of my meals I should snap a picture each night in the laundry room when I spray SHOUT! on my shirts. “Gary it’s all there – fish sandwiches, burritos, ballpark mustard.”

These days people post photos of pho for family’s and friends on Facebook. Then they sit back and wait for plenty of pings on their iPhone…

Ping. “Hey Jan, your dinner looks great! Are those Samyang rice noodles? I make ours with mung bean sprouts.”

Ping. “Wendy I used halal-certified rice noodles and adzuki bean sprouts this time.”

Ping. “OMG!”

Ping. “TTYL!”

Ping. “G2G!”

Ping. “NTW!”

Ping. “BTW!”

Ping. “FOMO!”

Ping. “Gr8!”

Ping. “IMO!”

Ping. “BFF!”

Ping. “LOL!”


“Gary, you have no idea how tired my fingers are from so much talking!”

Recently, friends of ours set the standard for social media hits when their photo of tiramisu trended on Twitter! Another couple didn’t do so well when their chocolate souffle photo fell ‘flat’ on Facebook.

My point is, posting food photos for your followers on social media isn’t, how should I say this… my cup of tea.