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Posted by on Jun 10, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Open Mouth, Insert Foot’

By Gary Chalk.

Jan and I were discussing the differences between men and women. I was trying to make the point that men are, well, different.

“Jan, what would you say is the main difference between husbands and wives?”

“Gary, just so I am clear. Do you mean what is the difference between other husbands and wives? Or are you asking me what the difference is between you and other husbands?”

I knew where this was going but it was too late.

“Gary, take Rick for example. He can build anything and fix everything for Ruth. She is one very lucky woman.” I couldn’t disagree. Rick gives Bob Villa a run for his money.

Jan was on a roll…

“And then there is Ross. He creates such beautiful jewellery for Lorna. When she goes out, she looks spectacular!”

“Not to mention Lewis who cellars his own wine from his grape vineyard. I can only imagine how nice it must be for Susan to be married to a vintner.”

“And how about Doug. There is nothing he won’t try to make in the kitchen. Sandee enjoys the fruits of his labour.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. “Okay Jan I get your point. Do you know how terrible, how utterly useless this makes me feel?”

Jan turned the tables. She asked me how I would describe her. I should have known better. It was a moment of weakness. I didn’t think. I blurted out, “Jan you are a whiz on Amazon Prime.” (Jan gave me that ‘open mouth, insert foot’ look.)

I continued, “Dear you prepare your order, press ‘Checkout’ then make your way to the front door and your package is waiting on the porch. You give the porch pirates a run for their money.” (Jan repeated the ‘open mouth, insert foot’ glare.)

It was time to ‘switch feet,’ I needed to justify my own skills to Jan.

“Dear, when you went away to university I made you a beanbag chair. Don’t you remember?”

“How can I forget! Gary, you returned from the store with twenty huge bags of foam chips jammed in the trunk of your little gold Datsun. When you unlocked the trunk the foam chips had created so much static electricity that every bag you opened exploded. Little white foam chips got into everything! It was a mess!”

(Making a mess runs in our family. My sister poured liquid Tide in her dishwasher. Bubbles seeped out lifting to the kitchen ceiling. Just once.)

“Jan, another difference between you and I is that you have a very good memory.”

“Gary, I still remember our first house. You decided to paint the living room. Each time you dipped the paint roller in the paint tray you dabbed the excess paint off on the wall. Eventually, you spelled some swear words. That is when my parents arrived with takeout.”

“But Jan your mother liked the wallpaper we hung to cover it all up.”

Jan didn’t stop with the memory comparison. “Gary, remember before we were married and you told me your mothers’ birthday was June 25th, so we purchased a gift, picked up some flowers and a card. It turned out we were a month early! Your poor memory was my embarrassment.”

“Jan, that is more than forty years ago!”

Forty years of ‘open mouth, insert foot.’ At least that is one thing I can do.

 

Living Retired is written by syndicated humour columnist Gary Chalk.

 

Listen to ‘Living Retired: The Radio Edition’ Friday mornings 10:30 to 11 on The Mike Farwell Show on CityNews570

 

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