WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?
Think about where we would be without inventors…
If Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb, we would be watching television in complete darkness!
Inventors pull their pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us. But then they put on a Bill Nye The Science Guy bow tie they got from Inventors School. Some of the older inventors squeeze a plastic pen protector in their shirt pocket AND cram ballpoint pens in it!
Inventors work in laboratories with test tubes, bunsen burners and other basic high school chemistry class equipment– portable fire extinguishers and sheets of Hilroy notebook paper scrunched into spit balls.
Why are inventors always trying to build a better mousetrap? If we are in imminent danger of being overtaken by mice shouldn’t we submit this year’s football picks soon?
A popular word inventors like to use is: EUREKA! Each time an inventor screams ‘EUREKA!’ he’s ready to inflict the latest invention on the world… and make another gazillion dollars!
Take the genius who invented relax-fit pleated pants for middle age men…
The story goes that he was working in his laboratory developing decorator towels for guest bathrooms. … Read the rest here
THE ‘THIRTY, THIRTY’ METHOD OF BUYING GARDEN MULCH.
Want a great way to send the guy next door right over the top?
I mean so bad that he completely loses it like Sean Spicer at a White House press briefing?
You’re going to love this; it is so bad. Here’s what you do…
Arrange to have a load of garden mulch dropped off at the end of your driveway on a Saturday morning. Then, stand near your phone…
Ring. Ring. Ring…
“Gary! I was about to go golfing with my buddies. Now my wife wants me to spread mulch on our gardens! Thanks a lot pal!” Click.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Better yet. Imagine if you could time it ‘just right!’ There would be mountains of mulch blocking every driveway on the street! None of the guys could go golfing.
Garden mulch is a gardeners version of that Ron Popeil invention: Hair-In-A-Can. You can’t grow flowers in the beds, so you cover up everything with mulch.
Hey wait! Not so fast Mr. Weed Whacker!
Spreading mulch is hard, manual, backbreaking work. It’s why hospitals are bursting at the seems these days. Doctors have more middle age men ‘in traction’ from spreading … Read the rest here
FAMILY CAMPING TRIP AKA: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!
There’s no explaining…
Parents who do everything they can to raise their children– help with their homework, drive them to extracurricular activities, and let them hang bolts from their pierced earlobes– lose it at this time of year.
For some unexplainable reason the weather turns nice and parents dream about taking the kids camping…
Men dream about cooking over an open fire and peeing in the woods. It doesn’t get any better than that.
Women are more practical. They dream of complaining about cobwebs in communal outhouses!
The kids dream about roasting marshmallows on a campfire and watching mom and dad fight over who forgot to pack what.
One things campers do agree on is their love of the great outdoors: black flies the size of Buick Enclaves, every stitch of clothing reeking like a California wild fire, and when it rains, sitting in the car watching the tent float away. Such fun!
Say what you want about campers– but what they do well is pack. They spend every night during the week packing, so they can go camping Saturday and Sunday.
Men are responsible for packing the sleeping bags, … Read the rest here
DEADLIEST WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION: DECK PRESSURE WASHER!
May is the month homeowners– okay baby boomer men– celebrate ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction Month.’
Men celebrate Weapon of Mass Destruction Month by cleaning their deck using a device that has been declared by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to be more dangerous than a scud missile: a deck pressure washer!
Don’t be fooled by the words ‘pressure washer.’
A pressure washer is a 2,500 PSI, 2.3 GPM beast with heavy-duty pneumatic tires. It comes equipped with a set of spray nozzles that are engineered to eat through mounds of dried decorator candle wax left on the deck since last summer AND three layers of human flesh!
Men begin celebrating ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction Month’ the same way they kickoff all other official holidays such as New Years Day, Father’s Day and Tuesday afternoons– they drink beer.
After sufficient beer has been consumed the time arrives and guys drag the military-grade pressure washer from the garage. This is no easy task, and is followed by sitting back and having another beer; or as men say, “I’ll just have one more.”
No safety conscious weekend do-it-your-selfer would consider using a pressure washer without … Read the rest here
Today’s Living Retired is presented by the Umbrella Manufacturers Association whose slogan is: ‘We keep making umbrellas because you idiots keep losing them!’
This past weekend residents in the Midwest and eastern North America suffered through three days of torrential rainstorms!
How bad was it? Well I know you’re going to say ‘Ahh come on Gary this is fake news!’–but some kids got so bored staying inside that they shutdown their PlayStation. And some even came and sat down with their parents to watch television!!
“Look, if you kids don’t settle down and binge watch ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ with me I’m going to have to tell your father!”
“Dear, please don’t laugh at the kids when they spurt apple juice from their juice box out of their nose. It only encourages them!”
Most parents took advantage of the time together as a family and used it as a teaching moment. A teaching moment is another way of saying, “Okay, what can we do now to amuse the little brats?”
All weekend long mothers and fathers sat with their children at the kitchen table playing Monopoly. This was an opportunity to teach the kids valuable life lessons: … Read the rest here
FILING INCOME TAX LEADS TO CRITICAL ILLNESS!
It used to be that preparing your income tax was a pain in the butt.
But now it’s worse; way worse.
Today, taxpayers– who are honestly just trying to ‘fudge the truth’ when they complete their income tax form– are being affected by what healthcare experts call: ‘Severe Hatred of Income Tax Syndrome- SHITS.’
People who have suffered from SHITS say that it comes on very quickly. Ralph Snitsonberg who lives in Elephant Butte New Mexico put it this way…
“Yeah, I’m telling you one moment I was fine. And then ‘BAM!’ I was down for the count. I didn’t know what hit me!”
Here’s what I mean…
You’ve been in your home office working away for hours on your income tax form. Finally you reach the end. Right there in large black letters it says: ‘SUBMIT THIS AMOUNT.’
At this point every reasonably healthy baby boomer– at least those taking prescription medication for cholesterol, high blood pressure, reflux, irritable bowel syndrome and with an acceptable daily fibre intake– stares in disbelief at their income tax form!
Next, they turn pale and develop uncontrollable shakes– sort of like the Democrats when Trump was … Read the rest here