Living Retired #199- June 12, 2017
HOMEOWNERS USE WINDOW STICKERS TO SCARE ROBBERS
Burglars are granted early parole from prison for– get this!– good behaviour for stealing our big screen televisions and surround sound systems! DUH!
So this forces homeowners to purchase special insurance to protect their valuables.
“Dear I’ll insure my good jewelry that’s too expensive to wear for $25,000. You list the IKEA wrench. We’d be lost if we moved and you had to take apart the bedroom furniture, the television stand, the bunk beds for the grandchildren!”
Burglars aren’t choosy whose home they break into. They just make sure they’re wearing gloves so fingerprints aren’t left behind.
To counter the criminals rudimentary technique, homeowners utilize a very sophisticated state-of-the-art technology to protect the family heirlooms: we place self-adhesive stickers on the windows, warning: THESE PREMISES ARE PROTECTED BY ALARMS ‘R US.
The typical home security system also comes with a wall-mounted device that includes a number pad with some important looking blinking lights; PLUS, a bunch of what the professional sales associate who sells you the system describes as ‘thingy’s.’
“We mount these ‘thingy’s’ on walls in the various rooms the burglar will walk into– after the self-adhesive window stickers offered no resistance! The ‘thingy’s blink in a pleasing colour to match the faux wood California shutters with hidden hinges.”
The ‘thingy’s’ and the self-adhesive window stickers along with the wall-mounted unit with a number pad with blinking lights are all connected together. On a good day–assuming your husband hasn’t blown another fuse when he started up the leaf blower– your home security system will ‘speak’ to a central monitoring station.
The central monitoring station is conveniently situated in nearby Delhi India. But don’t worry the staff has been trained in advance telephone communication techniques…
Ring… Ring… Ring…
“THIS IS THE CENTRAL MONITORING STATION. PLEASE IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY OR WE WILL SEND ARMED NAVY SEALS. IN CANADA WE WILL SEND A GAGGLE OF CANADIAN GEESE TO POOP ON YOUR LAWN.”
“Help! I came into my house and it’s been trashed. I can hear the intruder down in our basement! Send the police fast!”
“TO GET STARTED WE WILL NEED YOUR UNIQUE 14-DIGIT IDENTIFICATION NUMBER, YOUR 7- LETTER PASSWORD INCLUDING AT LEAST ONE DIGIT AND AN EMOGI, AND THE ANSWER TO YOUR PERSONAL VERIFICATION QUESTION: WHAT IS THE MAIDEN NAME OF YOUR WIFE’S SECOND COUSINS FIRST WIFE?”
Home security systems are called ‘idiot proof’ which immediately eliminates grown men– with all-in-one screwdrivers, cans of WD-40, and duct tape– from installing it themselves.
Our security system has a 32-zone wireless transceiver. Whatever the hell that is?
What I do know is that a 32-zone wireless transceiver security system has 2-colour flashing LED indicator lights and comes complete with a 28-page installation book.
Once your 32-zone wireless transceiver security system is installed– by a criminal in training– the next step is to program it. The installer will give you a 5-minute primer and then leave it to you and your wife– along with a 56-page Programming Guide!
Of course men won’t read the manual. Women will — and note first step: ‘if you and your husband are programming the unit have the phone number of a marriage counsellor on speed dial.’
In the end, the 56-page Programming Guide will ensure one thing: homeowners will be so intimidated that the likelihood of ever actually arming the system when leaving the house is about as likely as President Trump winning the Miss Congeniality Award from the leaders of the European Union!
This all begs the question: why is it that your wife insists on asking each time you reach the end of your driveway, “Dear, did you activate the security system?”
“Honey you know we never turn the system on. Don’t you remember the time we did, what happened when we came home?” To which your wife mutters under her breath something about “Don’t remind me!”
For those who insist on arming the system– typically new owners of a home security system– turning the alarm system off is a two-step process…
First, when you enter your house you have 15 seconds– that’s all!– to disarm the system. Failing to do so will trigger a hideously loud siren that will scramble NORAD fighter jets and notify your neighbours that you and your wife are first-time home security system owners.
You’d think fifteen seconds should be sufficient. However, professional installers always conveniently mount the number pad with important looking blinking lights at the door furthest from the door you open when you get home!
The second step– which occurs precisely at the sixteen second mark– is to answer the telephone. Don’t count on your wife answering the phone: the 300-decibel siren brought on an instant migraine and she’s laying on the sofa with pillows over her head!
“THIS IS THE CENTRAL MONITORING STATION. WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN TO TURN THE ALARM OFF!”
Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3,000 people, across North America read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote address ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press
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