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Posted by on Jun 3, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #198- June 5, 2017

Living Retired #198- June 5, 2017

WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

Think about where we would be without inventors…

If Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb, we would be watching television in complete darkness!

Inventors pull their pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us. But then they put on a  Bill Nye The Science Guy bow tie they got from Inventors School. Some of the older inventors squeeze a plastic pen protector in their shirt pocket AND cram ballpoint pens in it!

Inventors work in laboratories with test tubes, bunsen burners and other basic high school chemistry class equipment– portable fire extinguishers and sheets of Hilroy notebook paper scrunched into spit balls.

Why are inventors always trying to build a better mousetrap? If we are in imminent danger of being overtaken by mice shouldn’t we submit this year’s football picks soon?

A popular word inventors like to use is: EUREKA! Each time an inventor screams ‘EUREKA!’ he’s ready to inflict the latest invention on the world… and make another gazillion dollars!

Take the genius who invented relax-fit pleated pants for middle age men…

The story goes that he was working in his laboratory developing decorator towels for guest bathrooms. He perfected the 800-thread count Egyptian cotton material. Next he picked some trendy colours– and called them ‘a collection.’ But then it hit him…

An invention is supposed to solve a problem. However, the decorator towel created a problem: a World Court decision deemed it is illegal to use decorator towels!

“Dear when we are over at the Johnson’s this evening DO NOT use the decorator towels in her guest bathroom. I know I always tell you this but for some reason you always forget.”

Eureka! To solve the problem of men needing something to dry their hands on, one of the most revolutionary inventions of all time came about: relax-fit pleated pants! Surely every middle age man could remember to wipe his wet hands on his pants!

Here’s another example of an invention that came right out of the blue…

Some guy was working on a treadmill that could fold down and be stored underneath your bed. I mean who wouldn’t want to have one! He already had his infomercial in his mind. However, storing a treadmill under the bed created a problem: it’s easy enough getting down on your hands and knees, but how the hell does a baby boomer get back up?

The result? The guy invented the panic button that you hang on a rope around your neck! The way he figured it, when you can’t get up, just press a button and immediately be connected to a call centre– in India. Writhing in excruciating pain, consumers pay a monthly fee so they can communicate with a customer service agent halfway around the world who speaks broken English! An absolutely genius idea! Brilliant!

I could go on and on about other great inventions– the salad spinner, the ergonomic vegetable peeler, and of course that product nobody can work: your cars GPS.

But I’d like to tell you about a product I saw in a store last week: a toilet bowl light that turns your toilet into a night light.

Note to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau: with ideas like this why is Canada legalizing marijuana? We don’t need mind-expanding drugs!!

“Dear, I’m home and you won’t believe what I bought.”

“Oh no. Please don’t tell me you bought another pair of men’s cotton anti-flatuence underwear!”

“Dear I picked up a toilet bowl light that will turn our toilet into a night light.”

Silence…

“Dear. It’s got the latest technology. It is motion activated.”

Silence broken…

“Whoa! A toilet bowl light that’s motion activated! That’s way too much information!”

The toilet bowl light that turns your toilet into a night light has colour-changing LED bulbs that rotate between white, red, green, aqua, purple and blue! The packaging says the adjustable brightness won’t wake you.

Somewhere along the line, I figure they tested the product with consumers.

“Okay Mr. Smith tell us what you think of a toilet bowl light that turns your toilet into a night light? Would you purchase one?”

Mr. Smith– whose intelligence is just slightly below that of a celery stalk– apparently said he’d purchase three: one for each of his two toilets.

Holy crap. I can see it now…

Across America, men sitting on toilets. And just like that things light up like the Fourth of July! Figuratively speaking…

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Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week, 3,000 people across North America read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote address ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press

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