Living Retired #195- May 15, 2017
DEADLIEST WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION: DECK PRESSURE WASHER!
May is the month homeowners– okay baby boomer men– celebrate ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction Month.’
Men celebrate Weapon of Mass Destruction Month by cleaning their deck using a device that has been declared by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to be more dangerous than a scud missile: a deck pressure washer!
Don’t be fooled by the words ‘pressure washer.’
A pressure washer is a 2,500 PSI, 2.3 GPM beast with heavy-duty pneumatic tires. It comes equipped with a set of spray nozzles that are engineered to eat through mounds of dried decorator candle wax left on the deck since last summer AND three layers of human flesh!
Men begin celebrating ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction Month’ the same way they kickoff all other official holidays such as New Years Day, Father’s Day and Tuesday afternoons– they drink beer.
After sufficient beer has been consumed the time arrives and guys drag the military-grade pressure washer from the garage. This is no easy task, and is followed by sitting back and having another beer; or as men say, “I’ll just have one more.”
No safety conscious weekend do-it-your-selfer would consider using a pressure washer without the appropriate protective attire.
Finally, clad in steel toe alkali-resistant workbooks AND thick scratch-resistant protective eye goggles AND a noise-eliminating headset endorsed by the American Aircraft Carrier Association, guys are ready to take on the worst stains that any outdoor deck can throw at them!
Well almost. “I’ll just have one more beer!”
The time has come to prime the engine. This is a longstanding tradition with only one result: the engine floods. Oh well, “I’ll just have one more beer!”
Guys coax the engine to start by repeatedly yanking the cord and cursing! Eventually, the engine coughs and sputters to a start and emits great billowing clouds of blue smoke. With that, guys drop the dork-like goggles down over their eyes, and release a testosterone scream: “Lookout pressure treated deck here I come!”
Minutes later, it happens…
Your wife hears all the commotion and comes running from the house…
She can barely see her husband. He’s holding on for dear life to a 5-foot long wand that’s shooting 2,300 PSI of water! Everything it touches disintegrates– deck boards, paint on aluminum furniture, the wheels on the barbecue. With laser-like precision the prized begonias have been reduced to stems!
He screams, “Honey don’t come near me! All you’ve got on your feet are flip flops!”
Your wife hears the voice…
“DEAR! What’s happening? I can’t see you through the Category 3 hurricane. There’s pressure-treated splinters of wood everywhere! OMG! Where’s the cat?”
Fluffy’s fur– what’s left of it– is soaking wet. She’s been sheared. She is hiding under sheets of aluminum siding that the pressure washer blasted off the house and lays against the partial wood fence– the rest of the soaked cedar fencing is up in a tree!
Now remember… men all across North America are flailing about trying to control 2,300 PSI of water exploding out of their pressure washers!
Just how bad is it?
“Hi. I’m Wolf Blitzer and you are in the Situation Room.”
“We have ‘BREAKING NEWS.’ Err, rather make that ‘DEVELOPING NEWS.’ Wait I’m being told it’s even bigger than that. We have ‘FAKE NEWS’ and its happening right now.”
On the television screen the words ‘BREAKING NEWS’ are quickly replaced with ‘DEVELOPING NEWS’ and then with, ‘HEY WOLF MAKE UP YOUR MIND!’ Quickly the guys in the production booth get it right– the words ‘FAKE NEWS’ appear across the bottom of the screen.
Wolf keeps going….
“We have correspondents on the ground covering what you are about to hear.”
Right away live photos of reporters appear on the television screen. There’s Dana Bash- Chief Political Correspondent, Gloria Borger- Chief Political Analyst, Jim Acost- Chief White House Correspondent; plus an intern who is down on his hands and knees on the White House lawn looking for leftovers from last months Easter egg hunt!
Wolf stares into the camera, saying, “Let’s bring in the CIA. What can you tell us?”
“Well I can tell you the chocolate eclairs in the commissary are delicious! Wolf, let me know when we are live on the air?”
Blitzer finally blurts out the news…
“We have confirmed that weapons of mass destruction are all over America.”
“I’m talking about pressure washers. Yep, the power tool that middle age men use to clean their decks may spell doom for our country. We have exclusive reports of men firing up their pressure washers and accidentally shooting down common backyard birds.”
“Minutes ago we spoke with Ralph Snitsonberg– who has no fixed address, but that’s because he lives in a trailer park– about his mishap earlier today near Elephant Butte New Mexico.”
“Wolf, I’m telling you man. All I did was fire up my pressure washer and then it happened– BAM! Just like that I annihilated the wife’s laundry hanging on the line.”
Wolf stares into the camera…
“Let’s go to Key Largo where President Trump is briefing the nation…”
“I have signed an Executive Order directing the military to arm our fighting forces with pressure washers from Home Depot– in return for exclusive naming rights– to counter the nuclear arsenal being assembled by North Korea.”
Making America Great Again– one pressure washer at a time.
Gary Chalk a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week over 3,000 people read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press