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Posted by on Dec 12, 2016 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #174- December 12, 2016

Living Retired #174- December 12, 2016

ITS DECEMBER: THOU SHALL SHOP & SHIP

Beware.

Here’s something that will make your turtle doves dump all over your holidays…

It’s less than TWO WEEKS until Christmas!!

Hey get ahold of yourself: Relax. Take a deep breath. Text ‘OMG’ to your ‘followers.’

If you are a true dyed-in-the-wool shopper you are already right out of friggin’ control!! It’s time to multitask: gift shopping AND gift shipping.

If you have a gift that needs to be shipped to a far away location– I’m thinking the house on the other side of the street around the comer– you’re already way too late. That’s because the cutoff date for Guaranteed Local Delivery (AKA: Good Luck Dummy) for this Christmas… was last May.

Regardless, many people will still go ahead and take their chances and ship a gift.

The thing about small parcel shipping is that it’s just the ticket for sending extremely fragile gifts to people you don’t particularly like– a bottle of your homemade wine ‘displaying its intense bouquet of sweaty tennis sneakers that pairs well with canned creamed corn!’

Parcel shipping requires three things…

1.    First you need a sturdy cardboard box to place your gift in for shipping;
2.    You will need a roll or two of clear sticky packing tape– the type you rip with your teeth– and causes your cat to hightail it to the next County; and…
3.    A minimum of four truckloads of small white foam chips.

Oh sure the foam chips help protect the gift. However, the real purpose of the millions of foam chips is to create static electricity– the more the better!

If you do it right– and cram a gazillion foam chips into the shipping box– when the poor sap you send it to opens the gift there will be a massive EXPLOSION– like a scud missile hitting their family room. Such fun! LOL!

The foam chips stick to absolutely everything: the dog, the carpet, your hands and every conceivable part of your body! Ha! Ha! Ha!

And you know what?

No one has ever been able to flick ’em off no matter how hard they try.

I’m here to tell you that removing foam chips is more difficult than getting your telephone number off telemarketers call lists!

After you’ve prepared your gift for shipping, the next step is to take it to a parcel  shipping store located in a strip plaza with convenient store side parking– except at this time of year.

The shipping store sells you everything you need– plus lottery tickets. I suggest you buy a lottery ticket– who knows maybe you’ll get lucky. Besides it will take your mind off following the shippers online tracking system that says your parcel has made its way to Galveston– which of course is nowhere remotely close to its final destination!

At the shipping store a high school student will serve you. Well at least until they receive a call, a text, an email, or some kind of ‘notification’ from one of their ‘followers’ who is also ‘working.’

You will have to fill out the shipping form yourself because this school student has never seen a pen. They can only complete forms online. The person serving me wants to graduate from university, then work as an unpaid intern, before attending community college so they can get a job– get this– as a part time customer service representative.

At the shipping store they will give you what they call a ‘tracking number.’ The purpose of the tracking number is so you can learn how the shipping companies go about losing your parcel.

Eventually the parcel will arrive at its correct destination. However, the shippers always pick a day when no one is home. But don’t worry! The customer-friendly driver will leave behind the ‘It Sucks To Be You Form’ that says…

‘We attempted to deliver your parcel today. However you weren’t home. HA. Ha. Ha.’

The ‘It Sucks To Be You Form’ points out that you have two options: ‘You can rearrange your calendar and remain home all day for the next three days because we may return. Or, call our ‘You Are Important To Us Customer Service Department’ in India and make arrangements to pick up your parcel at our local depot located in a remote industrial area of town.’

So here’s my advice…

Go ahead and wrap your presents and take them to the shipping store this week. Just make sure you know they’ll arrive NEXT Christmas! Maybe.

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Gary Chalk is a baby boomer enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press.

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There’s more laughs at http://LivingRetired.press

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