Living Retired #171- November 21, 2016
ALL FOOTBALL, ALL THE TIME
It used to be that football was a weekend sport.
Friday night was set aside for high school football. Saturday afternoon was for college football. And Sunday’s were for the National Football League.
These days we also have Monday night football and Thursday night football! In between– which is only Tuesday and Wednesday– is reserved for… more football!
So with all this football on television it’s understandable when your wife says, “Dear, what on earth is going on? There’s more football on television than Donald Trump!
Which of course leads to the appropriate response from any beef jerky eating guy welded to his sofa in front of the big screen television, “Good point honey. Hey can you grab me another beer?”
These days on Tuesday night it’s the football player Injury Report Show. And Wednesday night it’s the football player Court Report Show.
Let’s examine the Injury Report Show. You can see it on one of those cable channels– up near the Fireplace Channel and the popular channel that exposes hemorrhoids: ‘All Hemorrhoids, All The Time’ which features a young Wolf Blitzer wanna-be who’s ‘itching’ to get on the air. Ha! Ha! Ha!
The premise of the Injury Report Show is to highlight the injuries players sustained during the weekend games. Since the purpose of football is for the players to whack the bejeebers out of each other, there are always plenty of injuries to replay each week on the Injury Report Show.
The videos usually show an injured player– in the case of college football, a guy who was awarded a full scholarship for an advanced degree in Hot Sauce– being carted off the field on a John Deere tractor driven by a guy who works during the week as a barista serving caffe lattes.
In-game injuries are a great time for the fans in the stadium to A) go to the concession stands to purchase $20 cups of watered-down beer, or B) line up at the bathroom where they empty their bladders of $20 cups of watered-down beer!
Did you ever wonder where all the injured players are treated?
Well, according to the Injury Report Show many of the injured players are wrapped and sealed in laundry bags and sent to the New England School of Crustations. This is the same place where scientists help injured lobsters grow new appendages.
The players are placed on what is referred to as the ’15-Day Injury List’ and administered special Royal Jelly using syringes they brought with them from their dressing room locker.
To pass the time, the injured players update their personal brand of their Facebook page. Miraculously, when the 15- days are over the players are deemed ready to return to action. They come back to their team wrapped in rolls of gauze– that if stretched out would equal the length of the lineup to the women’s washroom at any stadium.
Wednesday evening it’s the Court Report Show. This is where football players who have committed minor misdemeanours such as assault, kidnapping and extortion are confined to prison. Due to the popularity of these crimes among football players the Court Report Show has expanded to three hours!
All this football appeals to the tens of millions of football fans who watch the games at home on television. Experts have determined that 73% of these comatose blobs are responsible for the entire guacamole industry! The other 27% are the leading users of Febreze heavy-duty room air freshener.
Plus, perched for so long in front of their televisions, football fans develop enough bed sores on their rear ends to rival an entire geriatric ward at a Florida retirement community.
Gary Chalk is a baby boomer enjoying retirement. He is a member of Humor Writers of America and muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have a Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press
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