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Posted by on Oct 24, 2016 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #168- October 24, 2016

Living Retired #168- October 24, 2016

THE ‘2-WORD MARRIAGE THEORY’

This is a ‘Living Retired Exclusive.’

It’s what cable news networks call ‘BREAKING NEWS’ or ‘DEVELOPING NEWS’ or ‘ALMOST NEWS’; or ‘NEWS WE WILL GET AROUND TO AFTER THE ELECTION ENDS NOVEMBER 9th AND THE NEXT CAMPAIGN BEGINS NOVEMBER 11th.’

I’m not a sociologist– if I was I’d be driving a taxi because I couldn’t find work in my field of expertise– but here’s my 2-word marriage theory…

If something can be said in two words– women will like it; and men won’t.

Here’s what I mean…

‘Decorator Pillows.’ Women love decorator pillows. It’s right there in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights: ‘Why arrange two decorator pillows on a bed when there’s room for twelve? Plus, an entire replacement set for the winter season!’

Men don’t appreciate decorator pillows. They’re just something we have to heave on the floor every night so we can climb into bed!

The mound of decorator pillows transforms the master bedroom floor into something resembling the rolling foothills of the Rocky Mountains. It’s a nightmarish obstacle course waiting to be maneuvered by middle age men getting up to go to the bathroom.

It’s 3 am. A bloodcurdling scream emanating from down at the foot of the bed wakes the entire neighbourhood. The poor guy is writhing in pain, squeezing his knee: “Jeez honey! #*€¥!!!”

Here’s another two words that men and women have disagreements…

‘Wallpaper Samples.’ When your wife walks in the house with enough wallpaper samples to cover all 126 rooms of Donald Trumps Mar-a-Lago landmark estate in Florida, the first words out of a guys mouth are “WHOA! Honey, you’ve been watching too much Home & Garden Television!”

I’ve got more examples…

‘Paint Chips.’ See ‘Wallpaper Samples’ (above).

‘Sparkling Water.’ ‘Wine Spritzers.’ If you like any of these two words chances are you’re female– and you enjoy going to restaurants and ordering– here’s another one– ‘Small Plates.’

‘Tupperware Containers.’ “Dear, can you get something to store the dinner leftovers from the cupboard?” Next thing you know an avalanche of low-density polyethylene plastic food containers in assorted sizes with non-matching lids has buried you up to your neck!

Two other words: ‘Yes Dear.’

Mention those two words to guys– and if they are smart– they’ll quietly roll their eyes. Men who haven’t learned will go into a rant that makes a rapper appear more civil than Donald Trump!

Here’s two more words wives say that drive their husband nuts: garden mulch!!

Men refer to a load of mulch as: ‘a load of hooey.’ Or, using proper English: ‘a steaming pile of yak dung!’

You can count on it being the hottest day of the summer…

Your wife will get out of bed, open the cream coloured California shutters and see a load of mulch on your neighbours driveway.

“Honey we need to top up our flower beds with some mulch.”

This solicits a response from her husband– still in bed wearing a nasal strip. He’ll get out of the bed and immediately drop down on his hands and knees on the floor! No, he isn’t saying a prayer– no, he tripped over the decorator pillows he threw on the floor so he could get into the bed the night before!

And… the newest two words that women love that will drive men around the bend. Are you ready? Here goes….

Back splash!

OMG!!!

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Gary Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press.
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There’s more laughs at http://LivingRetired.press.
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Gary Chalk is a member of Humor Writers of America (HA). Living Retired is featured in After Fifty Living www.AfterFiftyLiving.com/activity.