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Posted by on Aug 29, 2016 in Humor, humour, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired #162- NOW SHOWING AT A THEATRE NEAR YOU

Living Retired #162- NOW SHOWING AT A THEATRE NEAR YOU

NOW SHOWING AT A THEATRE NEAR YOU

You know what’s wrong with going to movie theatres?

By the time you finish your bag of popcorn that’s big enough to feed all nineteen Duggar family kids– they’re still showing upcoming movie previews that will be released in the next century!

Not many years ago– back before baby boomers began wearing nasal strips– many experts predicted the demise of movie theatres. They were reacting to something call a VCR.

For about a thousand dollars you could purchase a VCR, which you placed on top of your television. All you had to do was connect cables the length of the Suez Canal and presto: showtime! Everyone gathered in front of the television and watched the VCR flash ’12:00.’ Such fun!

The VCR allowed families to watch movies right in their home. Parents could hire a babysitter to come over and finish off all their chips and soft drinks, while mom and dad went to a movie theatre and did the same thing– at ten times the price!

The first VCR’s used a format called Betamax. Wouldn’t you know it. As soon as we all bought Betamax VCR’s, a new format called VHS was launched. Soon there was the laser disc, the video CD, the DVD player, and the Blue Ray disc.

The VCR technology changed at a furious pace– almost as fast as Donald Trump insults the Mexicans, Muslims, women, people with disabilities, and the media– in fifteen minutes at a political rally!

Parents would go to stores to rent movies– and purchase liquorice candy like the theatre concessions sold– but at half the cost as the theatre concessions.

Back at home, with the kids gathered in front of the television, dads would begin the process of playing the movie.

First, he would insert the movie into the VCR. This was accomplished by holding a handheld device the size of a shoebox called a remote. Pointing the remote at the VCR, and clicking ‘Insert’ opened the tray to insert the movie cartridge. The next step was to grab a kitchen paring knife to surgically remove the previous tape!

When this was done– and reels of dark recording tape strewn over the family room shag carpet– dads would point the remote at the VCR and press the ‘Play’ button.

Almost immediately, moms would scoop up the children, cover their ears, and say something about “Daddy is having a problem. Let’s go in your bedroom and play Nintendo!”

As VCR’s became more popular attendance at movie theatres shrank– because parents were at sessions with a shrink. They had to resolve their anger management issues caused by VCR’s.

The theatres moved to protect their business model– which was based on selling candy at prices similar to the cost of a barrel of oil in the 1980’s.

Theatre concessions introduced pizza, pretzels, natchos, special coffees, ice cream– anything that movie goers could be tricked into mortgaging their principle residence in order to afford!

These days all this food at the movie concessions means movie goers now stand in line longer than it takes to watch the movie!

Inevitably, the guy in front can’t decide whether he wants a family size Kit Kat, a tub the size of Smart car filled with popcorn topped with imitation butter, a package of Twizzlers which laid end to end would circle the globe, a pint of chocolate covered ice cream on a stick, pepperoni on his pizza slice, or Caffe Americana with a single or double shot of espresso! It’s like a Golden Corral ‘all-you-can-eat’ buffet!

Hey would you just order! I’m missing movie previews!!
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Upcoming keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ September 13, 2016: Woodstock Probus Club, Woodstock Ontario.
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There’s more laughs at http://LivingRetired.press
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Gary Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to unsubscribe, or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press
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EXCITING NEWS: Gary Chalk is now a contributor to After Fifty Living. Visit AfterFiftyLiving.com/activity