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Posted by on Aug 21, 2016 in humour, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired #161- Theme Parks Bad For Baby Boomers Health?

Living Retired #161- Theme Parks Bad For Baby Boomers Health?

THEME PARKS BAD FOR BABY BOOMERS HEALTH?

Now don’t get me wrong.

I enjoy visiting a theme park as much as anyone who gets a kick out of re-mortgaging their primary residence so they can afford to spend a day standing in long lines with gooey candy floss glued in their hair!

However, be forewarned: perhaps baby boomers should not take their grandchildren to a theme park this summer.

This warning is the result intelligent people– AKA: scientists– convincing less intelligent people– AKA: governments– to give them hundreds of thousands of taxpayers dollars to conduct tests on even less intelligent people– AKA: baby boomers, otherwise known as people waiting for cataract surgery, knee replacement surgery and hormone replacement therapy.

The researchers discovered that riding roller coasters with your grandchildren may lead to severe onset adult projectile vomiting. In rare cases some middle-age men slipped into a state of deep unconsciousness– and when they awoke their thinking was so altered that they enrolled for ballroom dancing lessons with their wife!

So if you find yourself thinking about taking your grandchildren to a theme park, STOP! Ask your spouse to check your meds! Obviously something has gone terribly wrong!

Baby boomers who ride roller coasters can suffer deteriorating eyesight. This is a result of taking nausea medication with the directions printed in the font: gnat.

And those damn pill containers also contribute to carpal tunnel. The containers are childproof AND adult proof– which is the politically correct way of saying ‘idiot proof.’

To drive to a theme park requires securing your grandchildren in their car seats. To do this you must be ‘Car Seat Certified’– meaning you have demonstrated that you can lift toddlers with their arms and legs flailing into car seats– even after being kicked in the groin AND swearing under your breath!

Driving to a theme park involves multitasking: answering grandchildren’s questions about Pokemon, while texting OMG on your iPhone.

Near the theme park watch for signs for parking– that will conveniently redirect you to a nearby County. And men, get ready to pop your heart medication when your wife screams at the top of her lungs: “STOP! There’s a spot over there!”

At the park entrance be sure to visit the theme park loans office to ensure you have sufficient funds for admission and refreshments. To calculate how much money you’ll need: multiply the annual inflation rate of Brazil by any two digit number!

Experienced theme park goers suggest mapping out your route and arranging the popular rides beforehand. To make it easier, theme parks issue tickets allowing you to bypass the two mile lineup. Forget this though if your spouse didn’t run over to the kiosk at sunrise.

Eventually, you will need to take the grandchildren for lunch. To avoid long lines at the concessions plan on eating lunch at 9:15 am.

The two most popular phrases children mutter at a theme park are: “Dad, I’m going to puke!” and “Mom, I peed my pants.”

The most popular phrase said between grandparents is: “What were we thinking?”

Finally, a good way to escape the blistering heat at a theme park is to visit an air conditioned souvenir shop. It is Theme Park Law that all rides end at a souvenir shop.

Note to grown men: purchasing one of those silly theme park hats with bright coloured fur and floppy tassels will ensure your grandchildren won’t ever, ever, EVER return to a theme park with their grandparents!

Hmmm. That’s the best news yet!
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Upcoming Living Retired keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ September 13, 2016: Woodstock Probus Club, Woodstock Ontario.
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There’s more laughs at http://LivingRetired.press
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Gary a Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press
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EXCITING NEWS: Gary Chalk is a now a contributor to After Fifty Living.  Visit http://AfterFiftyLiving.com/activity.