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Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

Posted by on Oct 21, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

PUMPKIN PALOOZA!   The ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ has released a report that gives us something to chew on.   Pushing their chairs back after scarfing down a Denny’s ‘Grand Slam Breakfast’–and collectively belching like the kids drinking soda pop at your sons birthday party–the dolts with the ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ concluded: kale and pomegranate are passé. Its time to make way...

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Living Retired #213- October 16, 2017

Posted by on Oct 14, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #213- October 16, 2017

Living Retired #213- October 16, 2017

THE EVOLUTION OF MENS HAND WASHING   Men and women. We can’t even get on the same page when we wash our hands.   Women are from ‘Planet: Invigorating Eucalyptus Moisture-Rich Cleansing Bar with Essence of Soothing Organic Free-Trade Mexican Vanilla Bean.’   Men are from ‘Planet: There’s Hand-Soap???’   For men, washing our hands is a simple straightforward process.   First, we yank the tap handle open with enough force to replicate Yosemite’s Old Faithful geyser! Water gushes...

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Living Retired #212- October 9, 2017

Posted by on Oct 8, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #212- October 9, 2017

Living Retired #212- October 9, 2017

HOME CANNING AKA: DO-IT-YOURSELF BOTULISM   It’s that time of year again: home canning season!   Home canning is when amateur chefs toss away our fears of working with precision-engineered, finger-severing German knives and explosive gas stovetops. We turn our kitchen into a Heinz food processing line– but without the goofy hairnets and union-mandated breaks.   Here is my recipe to produce your very own supply of jam-size jars of food-born botulism…   First, drive out to a farm stand and purchase enough...

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Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

Posted by on Sep 10, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

WHEN A BUNDLE IS A PILE OF STEAMING YAK DUNG   I was gobsmacked!!!   For the life of me I don’t know what got into my wife.   We were standing in the kitchen. Right out of the blue Jan suddenly blurted: “Gary, you have to call the cable company. You need to negotiate a big reduction in what we pay each month for our cable bill.”   Before I could scream “Are you friggin’ nuts!!” Jan added, “Our friends have done it. Why can’t you? You just have to be really mean and threaten...

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Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

Posted by on Sep 2, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

IF A MAN’S HOME IS HIS CASTLE,                  WHY DO THE TOILETS BACK UP?   WARNING: Reading the following will create a disgusting image in your mind. Some things aren’t very pretty. I’m just saying…   I was showering, dancing– see WARNING above– screaming at the top of my lungs the anthem that every middle age guy sings: Born To Be Wild…   ‘Got your motor runnin’ (deep guttural animalistic sounds here), Head out on the highway, Lookin’ for adventure (more deep...

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Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

Posted by on Aug 28, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

ROBERTSON SCREWDRIVER IS THE ‘SQUARE-SHAPED THINGY’…RIGHT?   Back to school.   Those three words launch parents into a tizzy. It’s their signal to lose their sanity and go nuts spending money they don’t have on their children. Here’s what I mean…   Sarah Sizeplus lives in Elephant Butte, New Mexico. Her son is a high school senior.   “I’m hopeful if I spend enough money on the idiot, he’ll study hard and get a job at a company with a defined benefit pension. Maybe...

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Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

Posted by on Aug 20, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

IMAGINE: A PHONE THAT IS ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO THE WALL!   There are 85 million baby boomers in North America– 170 million knee replacements!   To get a handle on baby boomers the government appointed a blue ribbon expert panel– now there’s an oxymoron! Their findings have been released in a report entitled, ‘Baby Boomers: Beyond Nasal Strips, Pickleball, and Figuring How The Hell To Get Their Grandchildren Into A Car Seat.’   The report highlights that baby boomers were first traumatized by their...

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Living Retired #207- August 14, 2017

Posted by on Aug 13, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #207- August 14, 2017

Living Retired #207- August 14, 2017

BASEBALL BROADCASTING BACKWARDS R US   Listening to a baseball game on the radio has reached– to use medical terminology– the sphincter tightening stage. It’s like squirming watching Trump trying to read from a TelePrompTer– but way worse.   Back in the good ‘ole days– before middle age men began wearing nasal strips– baseball was all about balls and strikes.   Nowadays broadcasters have taken over. And the ballgame is now second, no make that third, behind a barrage of nonstop paid...

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Living Retired 206- August 7, 2017

Posted by on Aug 5, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired 206- August 7, 2017

Living Retired 206- August 7, 2017

HALLMARK HEAVEN   I’m lost.   It’s got nothing to do like the time I pretended I had ‘man ears’ and ignored Jans suggestion: “Gary, please just stop and ask someone for directions!”   It’s got nothing to do with not knowing how to use our cars GPS– that’s supposed to lead you to where you want to go, but doesn’t.   I’m lost because my Mom celebrated her 96th birthday–that’s right 96!! Like most men I’m not good with words–unless...

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Living Retired #205- July 24, 2017

Posted by on Jul 22, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #205- July 24, 2017

Living Retired #205- July 24, 2017

DO-IT-YOURSELF HOME APPLIANCE REPAIR   An automatic dishwasher is a beautiful thing– when it works.   First, you lightly rinse the leftover Kraft Dinner and ketchup from the dishes and silverware before loading everything into your ultra-quiet stainless steel dishwasher. Then, add lemon-scented ‘Destroys Baked on Food’ dish detergent and press START.   An hour later it is time to empty the dishwasher. You remove the half-cleaned plates and silverware– caked with remnants of leftover Kraft Dinner and...

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