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Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

Posted by on Sep 10, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

WHEN A BUNDLE IS A PILE OF STEAMING YAK DUNG   I was gobsmacked!!!   For the life of me I don’t know what got into my wife.   We were standing in the kitchen. Right out of the blue Jan suddenly blurted: “Gary, you have to call the cable company. You need to negotiate a big reduction in what we pay each month for our cable bill.”   Before I could scream “Are you friggin’ nuts!!” Jan added, “Our friends have done it. Why can’t you? You just have to be really mean and threaten...

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Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

Posted by on Sep 2, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

IF A MAN’S HOME IS HIS CASTLE,                  WHY DO THE TOILETS BACK UP?   WARNING: Reading the following will create a disgusting image in your mind. Some things aren’t very pretty. I’m just saying…   I was showering, dancing– see WARNING above– screaming at the top of my lungs the anthem that every middle age guy sings: Born To Be Wild…   ‘Got your motor runnin’ (deep guttural animalistic sounds here), Head out on the highway, Lookin’ for adventure (more deep...

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Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

Posted by on Aug 28, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

ROBERTSON SCREWDRIVER IS THE ‘SQUARE-SHAPED THINGY’…RIGHT?   Back to school.   Those three words launch parents into a tizzy. It’s their signal to lose their sanity and go nuts spending money they don’t have on their children. Here’s what I mean…   Sarah Sizeplus lives in Elephant Butte, New Mexico. Her son is a high school senior.   “I’m hopeful if I spend enough money on the idiot, he’ll study hard and get a job at a company with a defined benefit pension. Maybe...

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Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

Posted by on Aug 20, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

IMAGINE: A PHONE THAT IS ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO THE WALL!   There are 85 million baby boomers in North America– 170 million knee replacements!   To get a handle on baby boomers the government appointed a blue ribbon expert panel– now there’s an oxymoron! Their findings have been released in a report entitled, ‘Baby Boomers: Beyond Nasal Strips, Pickleball, and Figuring How The Hell To Get Their Grandchildren Into A Car Seat.’   The report highlights that baby boomers were first traumatized by their...

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Living Retired #207- August 14, 2017

Posted by on Aug 13, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #207- August 14, 2017

Living Retired #207- August 14, 2017

BASEBALL BROADCASTING BACKWARDS R US   Listening to a baseball game on the radio has reached– to use medical terminology– the sphincter tightening stage. It’s like squirming watching Trump trying to read from a TelePrompTer– but way worse.   Back in the good ‘ole days– before middle age men began wearing nasal strips– baseball was all about balls and strikes.   Nowadays broadcasters have taken over. And the ballgame is now second, no make that third, behind a barrage of nonstop paid...

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Living Retired 206- August 7, 2017

Posted by on Aug 5, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired 206- August 7, 2017

Living Retired 206- August 7, 2017

HALLMARK HEAVEN   I’m lost.   It’s got nothing to do like the time I pretended I had ‘man ears’ and ignored Jans suggestion: “Gary, please just stop and ask someone for directions!”   It’s got nothing to do with not knowing how to use our cars GPS– that’s supposed to lead you to where you want to go, but doesn’t.   I’m lost because my Mom celebrated her 96th birthday–that’s right 96!! Like most men I’m not good with words–unless...

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Living Retired #205- July 24, 2017

Posted by on Jul 22, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #205- July 24, 2017

Living Retired #205- July 24, 2017

DO-IT-YOURSELF HOME APPLIANCE REPAIR   An automatic dishwasher is a beautiful thing– when it works.   First, you lightly rinse the leftover Kraft Dinner and ketchup from the dishes and silverware before loading everything into your ultra-quiet stainless steel dishwasher. Then, add lemon-scented ‘Destroys Baked on Food’ dish detergent and press START.   An hour later it is time to empty the dishwasher. You remove the half-cleaned plates and silverware– caked with remnants of leftover Kraft Dinner and...

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Living Retired #204- July 17, 2017

Posted by on Jul 16, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #204- July 17, 2017

Living Retired #204- July 17, 2017

BABY BOOMERS MUST BE ‘ALL-EARS’   The fastest growing segment in North America– next to middle age women calling 9-1-1 to report flocks of large birds with long beaks making nests in their husbands ear hair– is baby boomers.   Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964– in other words they were raised on canned cream of corn, chewed Thrills Gum, and watched Bonanza while dipping potato chips in dried onion soup mix mixed with sour cream.   These days baby boomers watch cable television networks...

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Living Retired #203- July 10, 2017

Posted by on Jul 9, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #203- July 10, 2017

Living Retired #203- July 10, 2017

IT’S WEDDING SEASON, SO ALL TOGETHER NOW: LET’S CRY!   Spoiler alert! NOT!   At first I was going to advise readers who have been painstakingly planning their daughter’s wedding for the past 12 months not to read this column.   Then it hit me!   Anyone who has spent the past year handholding an anxious bride-to-be AND putting up with an overbearing wedding planner has been institutionalized by now– with no access to glossy wedding magazines or sharp objects.   For men, weddings take all the fun...

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Living Retired #202- July 3, 2017

Posted by on Jul 2, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #202- July 3, 2017

Living Retired #202- July 3, 2017

8 STEPS TO WASTING YOUR TIME TRYING TO GROW GRASS   It’s a fact.   Middle age men can grow enough ear hair to attract a flock of red-breasted meadowlarks to build a nest in our auditory canal.   But ask us to grow grass in the backyard, well, that’s a different matter all together.   Men appreciate a lush expanse of red fescue, perennial ryegrass, bluegrass, Bermuda grass, or even bent grass– if it’s on a golf course. But trying to grow grass at home is impossible. It’s like telling Trump that...

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