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Living Retired #204- July 17, 2017

Posted by on Jul 16, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #204- July 17, 2017

Living Retired #204- July 17, 2017

BABY BOOMERS MUST BE ‘ALL-EARS’   The fastest growing segment in North America– next to middle age women calling 9-1-1 to report flocks of large birds with long beaks making nests in their husbands ear hair– is baby boomers.   Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964– in other words they were raised on canned cream of corn, chewed Thrills Gum, and watched Bonanza while dipping potato chips in dried onion soup mix mixed with sour cream.   These days baby boomers watch cable television networks...

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Living Retired #203- July 10, 2017

Posted by on Jul 9, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #203- July 10, 2017

Living Retired #203- July 10, 2017

IT’S WEDDING SEASON, SO ALL TOGETHER NOW: LET’S CRY!   Spoiler alert! NOT!   At first I was going to advise readers who have been painstakingly planning their daughter’s wedding for the past 12 months not to read this column.   Then it hit me!   Anyone who has spent the past year handholding an anxious bride-to-be AND putting up with an overbearing wedding planner has been institutionalized by now– with no access to glossy wedding magazines or sharp objects.   For men, weddings take all the fun...

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Living Retired #202- July 3, 2017

Posted by on Jul 2, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #202- July 3, 2017

Living Retired #202- July 3, 2017

8 STEPS TO WASTING YOUR TIME TRYING TO GROW GRASS   It’s a fact.   Middle age men can grow enough ear hair to attract a flock of red-breasted meadowlarks to build a nest in our auditory canal.   But ask us to grow grass in the backyard, well, that’s a different matter all together.   Men appreciate a lush expanse of red fescue, perennial ryegrass, bluegrass, Bermuda grass, or even bent grass– if it’s on a golf course. But trying to grow grass at home is impossible. It’s like telling Trump that...

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Living Retired #201- June 26, 2017

Posted by on Jun 25, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #201- June 26, 2017

Living Retired #201- June 26, 2017

REPAIR YOUR DECK WITH DEAD ELEPHANTS   Fake news…   Home designers describe a deck as ‘an extension of your home; an outdoor oasis for entertaining your friends with summer drinks and canapés.’ Makes a guy want to puke!   Real news…   Your wife describes your deck as ‘a place she won’t put her Pier 1 eight-piece rattan furniture set with sun-resistant fabric cushions that match the brick mortar until her husband once and for all GETS OFF HIS DUFF AND FIXES THE ROTTED BOARDS! DID YOU HEAR...

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Living Retired #200- June 19, 2017

Posted by on Jun 18, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #200- June 19, 2017

Living Retired #200- June 19, 2017

ONTARIO DRINKERS HAVE THE SHAKES   Note to Wolf Blitzer…   Did you not read the memo??   Last week the words on the television screen said, ‘DEVELOPING NEWS’: Dennis Rodman is travelling to North Korea and may show his tattoos and ear piercings to Kim Jong-un and play a little one on one basketball.   But you aren’t reporting what’s happening here in Ontario…   The people who sell us our alcohol may be going on strike! You heard me right: we may not be able to buy booze!   Now...

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Living Retired #199- June 12, 2017

Posted by on Jun 11, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #199- June 12, 2017

Living Retired #199- June 12, 2017

HOMEOWNERS USE WINDOW STICKERS TO SCARE ROBBERS   It’s ridiculous!   Burglars are granted early parole from prison for– get this!– good behaviour for stealing our big screen televisions and surround sound systems! DUH!   So this forces homeowners to purchase special insurance to protect their valuables.   “Dear I’ll insure my good jewelry that’s too expensive to wear for $25,000. You list the IKEA wrench. We’d be lost if we moved and you had to take apart the bedroom furniture, the...

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Living Retired #198- June 5, 2017

Posted by on Jun 3, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #198- June 5, 2017

Living Retired #198- June 5, 2017

WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT? Think about where we would be without inventors… If Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb, we would be watching television in complete darkness! Inventors pull their pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us. But then they put on a  Bill Nye The Science Guy bow tie they got from Inventors School. Some of the older inventors squeeze a plastic pen protector in their shirt pocket AND cram ballpoint pens in it! Inventors work in laboratories with test tubes, bunsen burners and other basic high...

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Living Retired #197- May 29, 2017

Posted by on May 28, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #197- May 29, 2017

Living Retired #197- May 29, 2017

THE ‘THIRTY, THIRTY’ METHOD OF BUYING GARDEN MULCH. Want a great way to send the guy next door right over the top? I mean so bad that he completely loses it like Sean Spicer at a White House press briefing? You’re going to love this; it is so bad. Here’s what you do… Arrange to have a load of garden mulch dropped off at the end of your driveway on a Saturday morning. Then, stand near your phone… Ring. Ring. Ring… “Gary! I was about to go golfing with my buddies. Now my wife wants me to spread...

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Living Retired #196- May 22, 2017

Posted by on May 22, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #196- May 22, 2017

Living Retired #196- May 22, 2017

FAMILY CAMPING TRIP AKA: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING! There’s no explaining… Parents who do everything they can to raise their children– help with their homework, drive them to extracurricular activities, and let them hang bolts from their pierced earlobes– lose it at this time of year. For some unexplainable reason the weather turns nice and parents dream about taking the kids camping… Men dream about cooking over an open fire and peeing in the woods. It doesn’t get any better than that. Women are more...

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Living Retired #195- May 15, 2017

Posted by on May 14, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #195- May 15, 2017

Living Retired #195- May 15, 2017

DEADLIEST WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION: DECK PRESSURE WASHER! May is the month homeowners– okay baby boomer men– celebrate ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction Month.’ Men celebrate Weapon of Mass Destruction Month by cleaning their deck using a device that has been declared by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to be more dangerous than a scud missile: a deck pressure washer! Don’t be fooled by the words ‘pressure washer.’ A pressure washer is a 2,500 PSI, 2.3 GPM beast with heavy-duty pneumatic tires. It comes equipped...

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