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Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017

Posted by on Nov 19, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017

SFOLLY FHRAPT! Living Retired is going to a place it has never ventured before. No, I’m not going to appear on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss why men are happier–because unlike women we don’t drive to the next gas station washroom because the one we’re at is too icky! What I am going to get into today is the bedroom of a typical North American middle-aged couple… It’s 3 o’clock in the night. Suddenly! Your husband bolts upright in the bed. He is sweating profusely! It’s like he’s a...

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Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

Posted by on Nov 12, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

ALARMING REASON COUPLES SHOULDN’T TRAVEL.   The members of the Association of Airport Baggage Handlers–whose motto is ‘Hey Fred have we dropkicked this suitcase yet?’–are attempting to redirect the focus on the pitfalls of travel.   At a recent training session, baggage handler Sam Sonite (HA! HA!) who holds the record for damaging the most pieces of luggage in an eight-hour shift, provided hands-on practical tips on how to delay passengers luggage from reaching the airport carousel in a timely manner....

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Living Retired #215- October 30, 2017

Posted by on Oct 29, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #215- October 30, 2017

Living Retired #215- October 30, 2017

REPLACING HOUSE WINDOWS IS A PANE!   We are in the process of upgrading the windows in our home.   Well, Jan is.   I’m trying to understand the friggin’ quote! Grrrr!   Here’s the problem…   The window installer insists on referring to our ‘family room’ as our ‘television room.’ Plus, he keeps calling the ‘eat-in kitchen’ the ‘dining room.’ And if that’s not enough, he always describes replacing the windows in Jan’s...

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Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

Posted by on Oct 21, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

PUMPKIN PALOOZA!   The ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ has released a report that gives us something to chew on.   Pushing their chairs back after scarfing down a Denny’s ‘Grand Slam Breakfast’–and collectively belching like the kids drinking soda pop at your sons birthday party–the dolts with the ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ concluded: kale and pomegranate are passé. Its time to make way...

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Living Retired #213- October 16, 2017

Posted by on Oct 14, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #213- October 16, 2017

Living Retired #213- October 16, 2017

THE EVOLUTION OF MENS HAND WASHING   Men and women. We can’t even get on the same page when we wash our hands.   Women are from ‘Planet: Invigorating Eucalyptus Moisture-Rich Cleansing Bar with Essence of Soothing Organic Free-Trade Mexican Vanilla Bean.’   Men are from ‘Planet: There’s Hand-Soap???’   For men, washing our hands is a simple straightforward process.   First, we yank the tap handle open with enough force to replicate Yosemite’s Old Faithful geyser! Water gushes...

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Living Retired #212- October 9, 2017

Posted by on Oct 8, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #212- October 9, 2017

Living Retired #212- October 9, 2017

HOME CANNING AKA: DO-IT-YOURSELF BOTULISM   It’s that time of year again: home canning season!   Home canning is when amateur chefs toss away our fears of working with precision-engineered, finger-severing German knives and explosive gas stovetops. We turn our kitchen into a Heinz food processing line– but without the goofy hairnets and union-mandated breaks.   Here is my recipe to produce your very own supply of jam-size jars of food-born botulism…   First, drive out to a farm stand and purchase enough...

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Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

Posted by on Sep 10, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

Living Retired #211- September 11, 2017

WHEN A BUNDLE IS A PILE OF STEAMING YAK DUNG   I was gobsmacked!!!   For the life of me I don’t know what got into my wife.   We were standing in the kitchen. Right out of the blue Jan suddenly blurted: “Gary, you have to call the cable company. You need to negotiate a big reduction in what we pay each month for our cable bill.”   Before I could scream “Are you friggin’ nuts!!” Jan added, “Our friends have done it. Why can’t you? You just have to be really mean and threaten...

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Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

Posted by on Sep 2, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017

IF A MAN’S HOME IS HIS CASTLE,                  WHY DO THE TOILETS BACK UP?   WARNING: Reading the following will create a disgusting image in your mind. Some things aren’t very pretty. I’m just saying…   I was showering, dancing– see WARNING above– screaming at the top of my lungs the anthem that every middle age guy sings: Born To Be Wild…   ‘Got your motor runnin’ (deep guttural animalistic sounds here), Head out on the highway, Lookin’ for adventure (more deep...

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Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

Posted by on Aug 28, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

Living Retired #209- August 28, 2017

ROBERTSON SCREWDRIVER IS THE ‘SQUARE-SHAPED THINGY’…RIGHT?   Back to school.   Those three words launch parents into a tizzy. It’s their signal to lose their sanity and go nuts spending money they don’t have on their children. Here’s what I mean…   Sarah Sizeplus lives in Elephant Butte, New Mexico. Her son is a high school senior.   “I’m hopeful if I spend enough money on the idiot, he’ll study hard and get a job at a company with a defined benefit pension. Maybe...

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Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

Posted by on Aug 20, 2017 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

Living Retired #208- August 21, 2017

IMAGINE: A PHONE THAT IS ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO THE WALL!   There are 85 million baby boomers in North America– 170 million knee replacements!   To get a handle on baby boomers the government appointed a blue ribbon expert panel– now there’s an oxymoron! Their findings have been released in a report entitled, ‘Baby Boomers: Beyond Nasal Strips, Pickleball, and Figuring How The Hell To Get Their Grandchildren Into A Car Seat.’   The report highlights that baby boomers were first traumatized by their...

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