Living Retired is going to a place it has never ventured before.
No, I’m not going to appear on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss why men are happier–because unlike women we don’t drive to the next gas station washroom because the one we’re at is too icky!
What I am going to get into today is the bedroom of a typical North American middle-aged couple…
It’s 3 o’clock in the night. Suddenly! Your husband bolts upright in the bed.
He is sweating profusely! It’s like he’s a professional football player being interviewed at halftime, “How many community service hours remain from your conviction for armed robbery, taking illegal steroids, and removing the ‘New Material Only, Do Not Remove’ tag from your pillow?”
Sitting in the darkness of the bedroom your husband clutches the bed sheets. He rubs his eyes. Was it a nightmare?
Then, he screams: “SFOLLY FHRAPF!!”
Suddenly! His wife is awakened from her sleep. She jolts upright! “Dear if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times: if you want me to understand what you’re saying when you when you wake up in the middle of the night, please make sure your nasal … Read the rest here Read More
ALARMING REASON COUPLES SHOULDN’T TRAVEL.
The members of the Association of Airport Baggage Handlers–whose motto is ‘Hey Fred have we dropkicked this suitcase yet?’–are attempting to redirect the focus on the pitfalls of travel.
At a recent training session, baggage handler Sam Sonite (HA! HA!) who holds the record for damaging the most pieces of luggage in an eight-hour shift, provided hands-on practical tips on how to delay passengers luggage from reaching the airport carousel in a timely manner.
At the same meeting, the Associations safety committee took the opportunity to emphasize the importance of wearing steel-toed safety boots to reduce an increase in workplace injuries. Apparently, many baggage handlers routinely dropkick passengers hard-side luggage while wearing their flip-flops! Did I say these workers are male? Enough said.
The sessions concluded with the release of a study entitled ‘Travelling With Middle Age Men Who Always Forget To Pack Extra Underwear.’ The report identifies the major impediments married couples face when they go on vacation–and spend money they don’t have.
The study found that the biggest problems facing travellers isn’t finding a kennel to drop off the dog, providing fake phone numbers to the kids so … Read the rest here Read More
REPLACING HOUSE WINDOWS IS A PANE!
We are in the process of upgrading the windows in our home.
Well, Jan is.
I’m trying to understand the friggin’ quote! Grrrr!
Here’s the problem…
The window installer insists on referring to our ‘family room’ as our ‘television room.’ Plus, he keeps calling the ‘eat-in kitchen’ the ‘dining room.’ And if that’s not enough, he always describes replacing the windows in Jan’s ‘office’, but he calls that room the ‘den.’
It goes on and on…
So what homeowners like myself need–besides a shampoo that automatically disintegrates hair balls in shower stall drains–is a universal system that correctly names the various rooms in the house.
Let’s begin with the living room. Now there’s a misnomer. These days there’s about as much ‘living’ going on in a living room as there is new hair growth on a middle age mans head.
“Jan the quote says he’s replacing the windows in our living room. Which room is our living room: is it the room with the matching leather sofas? I’m confused!”
Jan shrugs. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: the living … Read the rest here Read More
The ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ has released a report that gives us something to chew on.
Pushing their chairs back after scarfing down a Denny’s ‘Grand Slam Breakfast’–and collectively belching like the kids drinking soda pop at your sons birthday party–the dolts with the ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ concluded: kale and pomegranate are passé. Its time to make way for pumpkins!
In their report, entitled: ‘Pumpkin Palooza: Proliferation of Pumpkins’, the Association points to the present pumpkin phenomena.
They indicated that the trend to ‘everything pumpkin’ coincided about the time teachers returned from their 10-week summer vacation–so the kids could go back to school. Since then, everything known to mankind has been put through a highly mechanized process, which in technical terms, is called ‘pumpkinized.’
There’s no escaping it. Every one of us–even the Kardashians!–have been pumpkinized!
Take this morning…
I awoke early to take the garbage out to the curb–making sure I tightened the twist ties on our orange coloured, pumpkin-scented plastic garbage bags.
Back inside, I shaved with pumpkin enriched … Read the rest here Read More
THE EVOLUTION OF MENS HAND WASHING
Men and women. We can’t even get on the same page when we wash our hands.
Women are from ‘Planet: Invigorating Eucalyptus Moisture-Rich Cleansing Bar with Essence of Soothing Organic Free-Trade Mexican Vanilla Bean.’
Men are from ‘Planet: There’s Hand-Soap???’
For men, washing our hands is a simple straightforward process.
First, we yank the tap handle open with enough force to replicate Yosemite’s Old Faithful geyser! Water gushes throughout the entire bathroom–an amount equal to when football players douse the Gatorade cooler over their coach. After we wash our hands, we dry them–on our pant legs.
University-trained archeologists–who are thankful Uber came along so they can find steady work–have unearthed evidence tracing men using their pant legs to dry their wets hands back to Fred Flintstone. To be honest though, Fred wiped his hands on his animal print dress–the one he topped off with a tie featuring a Windsor knot the size of Utah! I’m just saying.
Think about it. It was the Stone Age…
People lived in dingy, filthy caves–sort of like your kids college dorm room. But instead of drinking cheap beer and eating … Read the rest here Read More
HOME CANNING AKA: DO-IT-YOURSELF BOTULISM
It’s that time of year again: home canning season!
Home canning is when amateur chefs toss away our fears of working with precision-engineered, finger-severing German knives and explosive gas stovetops. We turn our kitchen into a Heinz food processing line– but without the goofy hairnets and union-mandated breaks.
Here is my recipe to produce your very own supply of jam-size jars of food-born botulism…
First, drive out to a farm stand and purchase enough bushels of tomatoes, bags of cooking onions, and baskets of peppers to fill the trunk… of your spouses vehicle. I’m just saying.
Back home, the messy process of peeling and chopping the tomatoes, onions, and peppers begins. This is tedious and mind numbing– just like surfing through your 955 cable channels and your choice comes down to ‘Duck Dynasty’ or ‘Say Yes To The Dress.’
Chopping all the vegetables can lead to early onset carpal tunnel, so to help pass the time you can binge watch your favourite television series. Just make sure you don’t turn on CNN for the latest Trump gaffe! Remember you are holding sharp knives!
The main ingredient of any … Read the rest here Read More