BABY BOOMERS MUST BE ‘ALL-EARS’
The fastest growing segment in North America– next to middle age women calling 9-1-1 to report flocks of large birds with long beaks making nests in their husbands ear hair– is baby boomers.
Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964– in other words they were raised on canned cream of corn, chewed Thrills Gum, and watched Bonanza while dipping potato chips in dried onion soup mix mixed with sour cream.
These days baby boomers watch cable television networks with commercials that appeal to our achy knees, cataracts, high cholesterol, uncontrolled blood pressure, and nagging irritable bowels. We relate to the happy couples in these commercials because they are shown in typical baby boomers situations such as accompanying your spouse to ballroom dance lessons, hiking through the giant redwoods in the Muir woods, and something I know all my baby boomer friends do each day: sit in an outdoor bathtub overlooking a mountain range with beautiful wild flowers!
How many baby boomers are there?
Well put it this way: doctors report they are running out of special parking stickers for baby boomers suffering chronic knee pain to place on their … Read the rest here Read More
IT’S WEDDING SEASON, SO ALL TOGETHER NOW: LET’S CRY!
Spoiler alert! NOT!
At first I was going to advise readers who have been painstakingly planning their daughter’s wedding for the past 12 months not to read this column.
Then it hit me!
Anyone who has spent the past year handholding an anxious bride-to-be AND putting up with an overbearing wedding planner has been institutionalized by now– with no access to glossy wedding magazines or sharp objects.
For men, weddings take all the fun out of summer.
During summer men are supposed to be on a golf course; not in a quaint stone chapel that’s not air-conditioned.
It’s alright for men to sweat wearing polo shorts with a cigar in their hand on the golf course. It’s not alright for a guy to be sitting on a stiff wooden pew sweating in a suit and long sleeve shirt and matching tie his wife picked out.
In the summer, men are supposed to enjoy whacking golf balls into the woods and water traps. And driving golf carts through condominium complexes, across residential streets to retrieve golf clubs that were thrown in a fit of … Read the rest here Read More
8 STEPS TO WASTING YOUR TIME TRYING TO GROW GRASS
It’s a fact.
Middle age men can grow enough ear hair to attract a flock of red-breasted meadowlarks to build a nest in our auditory canal.
But ask us to grow grass in the backyard, well, that’s a different matter all together.
Men appreciate a lush expanse of red fescue, perennial ryegrass, bluegrass, Bermuda grass, or even bent grass– if it’s on a golf course. But trying to grow grass at home is impossible. It’s like telling Trump that he can’t use Twitter.
Women, on the other hand, figure it can’t be too much to ask for the front lawn to look like the photoshopped pictures you see on fertilizer bags.
“Dear, are you going to do something about this terrible looking lawn this year? I don’t want the neighbours to read about us on the front cover of Godawful Gardener!”
So, here are my ‘8 Steps To Wasting Your Time Trying To Grow Grass.’ This plan comes with a conditional, ironclad 3-part guarantee: 1) Your lawn may look ‘somewhat greenish’, 2) Your wife may be ‘somewhat pleased’, and 3) The neighbourhood dogs … Read the rest here Read More
REPAIR YOUR DECK WITH DEAD ELEPHANTS
Home designers describe a deck as ‘an extension of your home; an outdoor oasis for entertaining your friends with summer drinks and canapés.’ Makes a guy want to puke!
Your wife describes your deck as ‘a place she won’t put her Pier 1 eight-piece rattan furniture set with sun-resistant fabric cushions that match the brick mortar until her husband once and for all GETS OFF HIS DUFF AND FIXES THE ROTTED BOARDS! DID YOU HEAR ME??”
WHOA! Message received!
The professionals have a rule of thumb about home handyman projects: measure twice, and cut once. This is easy for them to say because they actually have their thumbs! On the other hand– I couldn’t resist!– home handymen are ‘all thumbs’ bother literally and figuratively after accidentally power-stapling their thumbs installing engineered hardwood flooring renovating the kitchen.
But I’m here to say it doesn’t matter how many times you measure. Not when the most important tool hanging from your tool belt is a bottle opener! Believe me.
I asked– okay coerced!– my friend Rick to help me with a ‘little’ deck repair job … Read the rest here Read More
ONTARIO DRINKERS HAVE THE SHAKES
Note to Wolf Blitzer…
Did you not read the memo??
Last week the words on the television screen said, ‘DEVELOPING NEWS’: Dennis Rodman is travelling to North Korea and may show his tattoos and ear piercings to Kim Jong-un and play a little one on one basketball.
But you aren’t reporting what’s happening here in Ontario…
The people who sell us our alcohol may be going on strike! You heard me right: we may not be able to buy booze!
Now if this isn’t ‘DEVELOPING NEWS’ or even ‘BREAKING NEWS’ I don’t what is?
Wolf, imagine what this could mean!
14-million people live in Ontario. That’s a lot of people walking around in toques, saying ‘Eh’ going through alcohol withdrawal. Not a pretty picture.
But it gets worse…
Organizers of the high school proms are beside themselves: a strike could make it difficult for underage drinkers to stock up for their graduation parties!
Emergency meetings of Boards of Education have been called. They are developing plans to have home room monitors drive across to Buffalo New York to stock up at ABC liquor outlets!… Read the rest here Read More
HOMEOWNERS USE WINDOW STICKERS TO SCARE ROBBERS
Burglars are granted early parole from prison for– get this!– good behaviour for stealing our big screen televisions and surround sound systems! DUH!
So this forces homeowners to purchase special insurance to protect their valuables.
“Dear I’ll insure my good jewelry that’s too expensive to wear for $25,000. You list the IKEA wrench. We’d be lost if we moved and you had to take apart the bedroom furniture, the television stand, the bunk beds for the grandchildren!”
Burglars aren’t choosy whose home they break into. They just make sure they’re wearing gloves so fingerprints aren’t left behind.
To counter the criminals rudimentary technique, homeowners utilize a very sophisticated state-of-the-art technology to protect the family heirlooms: we place self-adhesive stickers on the windows, warning: THESE PREMISES ARE PROTECTED BY ALARMS ‘R US.
The typical home security system also comes with a wall-mounted device that includes a number pad with some important looking blinking lights; PLUS, a bunch of what the professional sales associate who sells you the system describes as ‘thingy’s.’
“We mount these ‘thingy’s’ on walls in the various rooms the burglar will … Read the rest here Read More