BASEBALL BROADCASTING BACKWARDS R US
Listening to a baseball game on the radio has reached– to use medical terminology– the sphincter tightening stage. It’s like squirming watching Trump trying to read from a TelePrompTer– but way worse.
Back in the good ‘ole days– before middle age men began wearing nasal strips– baseball was all about balls and strikes.
Nowadays broadcasters have taken over. And the ballgame is now second, no make that third, behind a barrage of nonstop paid sponsorships and a dizzying onslaught of silly statistics.
“Hi sports fans. This is Bill Belcher in the ABC Chewing Tobacco broadcast booth.”
“Joining me is my partner former pitcher Lefty Wright. Lefty has the record for striking out the most batters in a game–that had a 30 minute rain delay, AND the pitcher didn’t intentionally throw at a batter, AND never missed a child support payment.”
“Thanks Bill. I’m really quite pleased my record has held up so long. The toughest part was missing a child support payment. Anyways, it’s gonna be a whale of a game this afternoon. I’ve got a feeling these players are gonna give 110% and at the same time keep … Read the rest here Read More
It’s got nothing to do like the time I pretended I had ‘man ears’ and ignored Jans suggestion: “Gary, please just stop and ask someone for directions!”
It’s got nothing to do with not knowing how to use our cars GPS– that’s supposed to lead you to where you want to go, but doesn’t.
I’m lost because my Mom celebrated her 96th birthday–that’s right 96!! Like most men I’m not good with words–unless I’m screaming at a football game! So I needed to buy a birthday card.
I’m still recovering from the whole incident, so this is my best recollection of what happened…
I’m standing in the greeting card section of a department store.
In front of me are rows and rows and rows of racks and racks and racks of greeting cards. It’s longer than the lineup to the women’s washroom during halftime at a football stadium.
Unlike IKEA stores where you have to hike along a twisting aisle through acres of glassware, furniture and into the next County where every eating utensil ever invented is displayed–department stores make it easy. They arrange all the greeting cards … Read the rest here Read More
DO-IT-YOURSELF HOME APPLIANCE REPAIR
An automatic dishwasher is a beautiful thing– when it works.
First, you lightly rinse the leftover Kraft Dinner and ketchup from the dishes and silverware before loading everything into your ultra-quiet stainless steel dishwasher. Then, add lemon-scented ‘Destroys Baked on Food’ dish detergent and press START.
An hour later it is time to empty the dishwasher. You remove the half-cleaned plates and silverware– caked with remnants of leftover Kraft Dinner and ketchup– that were heat-sealed by a near-nuclear infrared heating process during the Power Scrub Plus cycle.
You transfer the ‘sort of clean’ plates and silverware to the sink. Add hot water and liquid ‘Removes Toughest Grime’ dish detergent, and with some sort of scrubbing device officially referred to as ‘the thingy we use to clean the guck off the plates’– curse as you scrape the dishes clean!
That’s how an automatic dishwasher is supposed to work.
But then it happens…
“Dear, is there any reason why there is water on the kitchen floor underneath the dishwasher?”
The rule of Household Appliance Malfunction– HAM– dictates that automatic dishwashers are factory programmed to break down the day after the … Read the rest here Read More
BABY BOOMERS MUST BE ‘ALL-EARS’
The fastest growing segment in North America– next to middle age women calling 9-1-1 to report flocks of large birds with long beaks making nests in their husbands ear hair– is baby boomers.
Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964– in other words they were raised on canned cream of corn, chewed Thrills Gum, and watched Bonanza while dipping potato chips in dried onion soup mix mixed with sour cream.
These days baby boomers watch cable television networks with commercials that appeal to our achy knees, cataracts, high cholesterol, uncontrolled blood pressure, and nagging irritable bowels. We relate to the happy couples in these commercials because they are shown in typical baby boomers situations such as accompanying your spouse to ballroom dance lessons, hiking through the giant redwoods in the Muir woods, and something I know all my baby boomer friends do each day: sit in an outdoor bathtub overlooking a mountain range with beautiful wild flowers!
How many baby boomers are there?
Well put it this way: doctors report they are running out of special parking stickers for baby boomers suffering chronic knee pain to place on their … Read the rest here Read More
IT’S WEDDING SEASON, SO ALL TOGETHER NOW: LET’S CRY!
Spoiler alert! NOT!
At first I was going to advise readers who have been painstakingly planning their daughter’s wedding for the past 12 months not to read this column.
Then it hit me!
Anyone who has spent the past year handholding an anxious bride-to-be AND putting up with an overbearing wedding planner has been institutionalized by now– with no access to glossy wedding magazines or sharp objects.
For men, weddings take all the fun out of summer.
During summer men are supposed to be on a golf course; not in a quaint stone chapel that’s not air-conditioned.
It’s alright for men to sweat wearing polo shorts with a cigar in their hand on the golf course. It’s not alright for a guy to be sitting on a stiff wooden pew sweating in a suit and long sleeve shirt and matching tie his wife picked out.
In the summer, men are supposed to enjoy whacking golf balls into the woods and water traps. And driving golf carts through condominium complexes, across residential streets to retrieve golf clubs that were thrown in a fit of … Read the rest here Read More
8 STEPS TO WASTING YOUR TIME TRYING TO GROW GRASS
It’s a fact.
Middle age men can grow enough ear hair to attract a flock of red-breasted meadowlarks to build a nest in our auditory canal.
But ask us to grow grass in the backyard, well, that’s a different matter all together.
Men appreciate a lush expanse of red fescue, perennial ryegrass, bluegrass, Bermuda grass, or even bent grass– if it’s on a golf course. But trying to grow grass at home is impossible. It’s like telling Trump that he can’t use Twitter.
Women, on the other hand, figure it can’t be too much to ask for the front lawn to look like the photoshopped pictures you see on fertilizer bags.
“Dear, are you going to do something about this terrible looking lawn this year? I don’t want the neighbours to read about us on the front cover of Godawful Gardener!”
So, here are my ‘8 Steps To Wasting Your Time Trying To Grow Grass.’ This plan comes with a conditional, ironclad 3-part guarantee: 1) Your lawn may look ‘somewhat greenish’, 2) Your wife may be ‘somewhat pleased’, and 3) The neighbourhood dogs … Read the rest here Read More