IMAGINE: A PHONE THAT IS ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO THE WALL!
There are 85 million baby boomers in North America– 170 million knee replacements!
To get a handle on baby boomers the government appointed a blue ribbon expert panel– now there’s an oxymoron! Their findings have been released in a report entitled, ‘Baby Boomers: Beyond Nasal Strips, Pickleball, and Figuring How The Hell To Get Their Grandchildren Into A Car Seat.’
The report highlights that baby boomers were first traumatized by their parents canapés–cheese whiz on celery sticks. As if that wasn’t enough, the report identified three other factors that defined the early years of baby boomers…
1. Baby boomers were the first generation to grow up with mothers who would lick a kleenex and wipe their child’s face– in public. Yuk!
2. Baby boomers were raised on Sunday night dinners of dried shoe leather–AKA: roast beef in a previous life, accompanied by canned cream corn.
3. Baby boomers grew up in homes where the telephone was a beast–2 pieces joined by a black cord, attached to the wall!
These days 2-piece telephones are called ‘land lines.’ Ours sits on the kitchen granite countertop. Nearby, we … Read the rest here Read More
BASEBALL BROADCASTING BACKWARDS R US
Listening to a baseball game on the radio has reached– to use medical terminology– the sphincter tightening stage. It’s like squirming watching Trump trying to read from a TelePrompTer– but way worse.
Back in the good ‘ole days– before middle age men began wearing nasal strips– baseball was all about balls and strikes.
Nowadays broadcasters have taken over. And the ballgame is now second, no make that third, behind a barrage of nonstop paid sponsorships and a dizzying onslaught of silly statistics.
“Hi sports fans. This is Bill Belcher in the ABC Chewing Tobacco broadcast booth.”
“Joining me is my partner former pitcher Lefty Wright. Lefty has the record for striking out the most batters in a game–that had a 30 minute rain delay, AND the pitcher didn’t intentionally throw at a batter, AND never missed a child support payment.”
“Thanks Bill. I’m really quite pleased my record has held up so long. The toughest part was missing a child support payment. Anyways, it’s gonna be a whale of a game this afternoon. I’ve got a feeling these players are gonna give 110% and at the same time keep … Read the rest here Read More
It’s got nothing to do like the time I pretended I had ‘man ears’ and ignored Jans suggestion: “Gary, please just stop and ask someone for directions!”
It’s got nothing to do with not knowing how to use our cars GPS– that’s supposed to lead you to where you want to go, but doesn’t.
I’m lost because my Mom celebrated her 96th birthday–that’s right 96!! Like most men I’m not good with words–unless I’m screaming at a football game! So I needed to buy a birthday card.
I’m still recovering from the whole incident, so this is my best recollection of what happened…
I’m standing in the greeting card section of a department store.
In front of me are rows and rows and rows of racks and racks and racks of greeting cards. It’s longer than the lineup to the women’s washroom during halftime at a football stadium.
Unlike IKEA stores where you have to hike along a twisting aisle through acres of glassware, furniture and into the next County where every eating utensil ever invented is displayed–department stores make it easy. They arrange all the greeting cards … Read the rest here Read More
DO-IT-YOURSELF HOME APPLIANCE REPAIR
An automatic dishwasher is a beautiful thing– when it works.
First, you lightly rinse the leftover Kraft Dinner and ketchup from the dishes and silverware before loading everything into your ultra-quiet stainless steel dishwasher. Then, add lemon-scented ‘Destroys Baked on Food’ dish detergent and press START.
An hour later it is time to empty the dishwasher. You remove the half-cleaned plates and silverware– caked with remnants of leftover Kraft Dinner and ketchup– that were heat-sealed by a near-nuclear infrared heating process during the Power Scrub Plus cycle.
You transfer the ‘sort of clean’ plates and silverware to the sink. Add hot water and liquid ‘Removes Toughest Grime’ dish detergent, and with some sort of scrubbing device officially referred to as ‘the thingy we use to clean the guck off the plates’– curse as you scrape the dishes clean!
That’s how an automatic dishwasher is supposed to work.
But then it happens…
“Dear, is there any reason why there is water on the kitchen floor underneath the dishwasher?”
The rule of Household Appliance Malfunction– HAM– dictates that automatic dishwashers are factory programmed to break down the day after the … Read the rest here Read More
BABY BOOMERS MUST BE ‘ALL-EARS’
The fastest growing segment in North America– next to middle age women calling 9-1-1 to report flocks of large birds with long beaks making nests in their husbands ear hair– is baby boomers.
Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964– in other words they were raised on canned cream of corn, chewed Thrills Gum, and watched Bonanza while dipping potato chips in dried onion soup mix mixed with sour cream.
These days baby boomers watch cable television networks with commercials that appeal to our achy knees, cataracts, high cholesterol, uncontrolled blood pressure, and nagging irritable bowels. We relate to the happy couples in these commercials because they are shown in typical baby boomers situations such as accompanying your spouse to ballroom dance lessons, hiking through the giant redwoods in the Muir woods, and something I know all my baby boomer friends do each day: sit in an outdoor bathtub overlooking a mountain range with beautiful wild flowers!
How many baby boomers are there?
Well put it this way: doctors report they are running out of special parking stickers for baby boomers suffering chronic knee pain to place on their … Read the rest here Read More